my life with depression.com

my niece will probably die soon. she just celebrated her first birthday. that is a miracle in itself. she wasn’t suppose to live that long. she’s in the icu now. they put her in a medically induced coma so that they can put a respirator on her. they’ve stopped the med that induces the coma.



she’s a one year old who takes viagra. no she doesn’t have erectile dysfunction. she does however have pulmonary arterial hypertension. what it means is that if not controlled, she can go from mild-moderate to severe. i just got off the phone with my sister. shiya now has severe pah. luckily the holes in her heart have closed. that’s heart failure. her oxygenated blood mixed with her non causing her to have issues with her oxygenation levels. that means her cells aren’t getting the oxygen they need. but who cares. she now has severe pah. the doctors don’t think that changing the dose of her viagra will help. sooner or later, her heart will become hard from pumping too hard and her heart will stop beating. she needs a heart and lung transplant, but because she has congenital issues, she cannot be a candidate. her CO2 levels are at 60%. she survives at a higher baseline than me or you. if she gets any higher, she’ll have liver etc. … failure and die.



the nurses changed her trach. they put one on, but removed it because shiya has big cheeks. that’s so funny. she does have big cheeks. i keep telling my sister to cut her hair. she’s not had a hair cut since the last surgery. now, she looks like a male lion. my sissy says that it’s shiya’s trademark. i still tell my sister to cut her hair.



i don’t know how much more my sister can take. she has no more emotional reserve. i wish that i was closer so i can at least help out physically. pick the other two munchkins from school. help them with homework. feed them dinner….



tomorrow, wednesday is when my sister will hear from the cardiologists. her choices are going to be

1. keep the baby at the hospital
2. take the baby home on the ventilator. and the only thing that anyone of us can do is to make shiya as comfortable as possible and pray.

it’s 11:42pm and i’m hella tired. my sissy says that she doesn’t want me to fly down to LA. she says that the best thing that i can do is to just listen to her. that’s hard for me because i want to try to fix things so there is no more sadness, but i feel so helpless. i work hard so that i have the ability to help my family when they need it, but in this instance i can’t. when it really matters to me … i am impotent. i need to stop because it’s now starting to sound like it’s all about me. it’s not. but this is my blog and i’m suppose to put down what i’m feeling.



my dad is going to find out this thursday from my sister. i definitely need to be there because he can’t be alone. my mom gets so clinical. she needs to be more of a grandmother and mother, but maybe it’ s the way she copes with things. my dad is the same way.



there are so many people who love shiya. she just has a way of getting into your heart. it’s so cute the way she holds on to my finger. she’ll take my pointing finger to her lips and bite on my nail. that might be gross to some people, but it’s cute to me. i hope that she’s strong enough to survive this. i want to teach her how to play golf so that i can take her out with drew and sarah. i want her to spend a week with me every summer like the other two munchkins. i want to be the first person to cut her hair…. life sucks.





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