my life with depression.com

i keep a journal. i’ve had one since… gosh, maybe since i was 9 or 10. i should correct that… i have many journals. actually they are lying all over the place. i’ve got one under my couch. that one is for current thoughts. another one in an antique desk that my dad gave me. i just ran into that one recently. i know that i also have journal postings in my planner from around 1993. i think that one is in my room at the parental unit’s house. somehow, i never fail to bump into them as i’m cleaning.

reason why i bring this up is because i was reading some of my entries over the past few years. it’s funny reading them i see how foolish i was. funny because all those little things that i use to worry about seem like nothing now. i don’t know why half the time i was mad about whatever it was i was mad about or tripp’n about whatever i was tripp’n about. i don’t know why i just didn’t break up with "that" guy sooner… i use to do 2years before i took action. HUH - I KNOW WHY: my theory was always to experience life with that person for two years then evaluate. that means 2 springs, 2 summers, 2 falls, 2 winters, 2 birthdays and multiple family events. the first year was always the honeymoon year. the 2nd year was when all the glitter disappeared and you are left with the real person. i was such an idiot because in reading my journals now, i see that i knew things were not going to work out by month number three!! yet, i stayed. i guess i was a better judge of people than i thought i was. didn’t use that skill though! ahhh well, such is life.

going off on a tangent, my friend has been dating this guy for 5years. she and her boyfriend had a deal. she would only move into his house rather than getting her own apartment if they were both heading down the same direction. basically, propose in a year or we’re done. why do guys do that? is it the whole "getting the milk for free without buying the cow." i use to always hear that while listening to dr. laura on the radio with my old office manager. i thought dr. laura was too conservative and too far to the right. she did make sense half the time though. but the question is: why do guys do that? or why do they put girls into those types of situations? why do we let them… hhhmmmm getting off my tangent now.

who is looking forward to a new year? i know I AM! i think that i would dub this year my annus difficilis. and since i’m on a latin kick:

carpe diem. this literally translates into "pluck the day." that sounds stupid so we’ll use the common translation "seize the day."

what-the-f*ck does that exactly mean?? seize the day…

Ah Posthumus! Our years hence fly,

And leave no sound; nor piety,

Or prayers, or vow

Can keep the wrinkle from the brow -

or is carpe diem more like:

What is love? ’tis not hereafter;

Present mirth hath present laughter;

What’s to come is still unsure:

In delay there lies no plenty, -

Then come kiss me, Sweet-and-twenty,

Youth’s a stuff will not endure.

and yet can it mean:

         Gather ye rosebuds while ye may

but if one gathers one’s "rosebuds while ye may" … how many rosebuds is one allowed to gather when one incorporates carpe diem to life? and if there is a limit? then are you truely seizing the day?

i bring this up - why? maybe it has to do with my niece’s death. the minister told the congregation that the only thing guaranteed to us is today. tomorrow is never promised. you never really know. i’ve thought about what’s after this life? could it be that our life is just mixed in with yesterday, today and tomorrow ? the only thing seperating those three is time? is "time" the denominator? too much tv eh?

myra out!