my life with depression.com

it’s 8:13am, sitting at the same place on the couch with the same green blanket around the lower part of my body, but this time, i’ve got a show about the search for the perfect equation to turn finance into science. a french student wrote on the science of “options.” options reduce risk in the stock market. it’s like buying insurance. but enough of that. i woke up early again this morning but i’ve been wanting to write about two things so i’m doing it now.

it seems that i am no longer living a charmed life. i am now exposed to things that i never even really thought about growing up. these past four years have been the hardest for me. there’s been so many changes and so many things and people taken away from me. i’ve gone and am going through a depression, i’ve lost lost lost. after my recent loss, i thought that maybe i couldn’t loose anything else. i kept asking why life just turned around all of a sudden. my manager said that it will make me stronger… stronger my ass! give me back my charmed life!

i’m going to loose someone else again and i tell myself damn… again! then a light bulb lit up in my head. well, the idea was that maybe god is trying to test me or make me stronger for an even bigger loss. maybe the loss of my dad? god i hope not. but if this current trial is not going to end soon, then i don’t know what to do. i’ve been “strong” for way too long and i don’t how much more strength i have left.

if someone told me along time ago that life could get this sad or this bad, i wouldn’t have believe them.

damn, i just thought about how much more difficult my life is going to be in a few months. FUCK.