my life with depression.com

my friend ML and i usually speak to each other every morning for at least 10 mins. we’ve not done that since my two week trip to london & paris and her two week trip to hawaii. so it’s been about a month. she just got back and called. i guess while i was gone, her sister passed away from a drug overdose. her sister is kinda the black sheep of the family. they’ve tried to put her through rehab, but the centers can’t keep her if she doesn’t want to be there and she never wanted to be there. this episode is supposed to be a relapse cause i guess she was doing well until she and her boyfriend argued. she injected/smoked/inhaled (whatever you do with heroin) too much for her body to handle. she’s doing okay, but she does have her moments.

i was sad last night. my S2BX came home after a leadership development conference for work and he shared this FIRO-B scores with me. just as i expected i was able to predict what is inclusion - expressed & wanted and control - expressed and wanted behaviors were but i never expected his strong scores for affection - expressed and wanted behaviors.

the FIRO-B assessment measures interpersonal needs in these three areas:

• inclusion - has to do with forming new relations and associating with people, and determines the extent of contact and prominence a person seeks.

• control - has to do with decision making, influence, and persuasion between people, and determines the extent of power or dominance a person seeks.

• affection - has to do with emotional ties and warm connections between people, and determines the extent of closeness a person seeks.

the characteristics associated with the three interpersonal needs are:

inclusion

• distinction

• recognition
• attention
• participation
• involved
• association
• acknowledgment
• contact
• belonging
• acceptance

control

• power

• authority
• influence
• responsible
• managerial
• directive
• leader
• decisive
• consistent
• regulated

affection

• personal

• supportive
• sensitive
• empathetic
• open
• affirming
• consensus oriented
• closeness
• faithfulness
• warmth

according to the firo-b theory, the extent to which a person will initiate the behavior is called the expressed dimension of the need, and the extent to which a person prefers to be the recipient of those behaviors is called the wanted dimension of the need.

he scores really high on both needing  affection - wanted behavior and showing affection - expressing behavior. this means that all he ever wants is to give and receive affection back. if i were to take the test, i know that i would score really really high on the expressed and wanted behavior of affection.

this revelation really saddens me because all i want is to give affection to my partner and all i want is to receive it back!

now that my S2BX and i are both friends and both supportive of the divorce, we have a better understanding that maybe we were trying our best but not realizing that maybe what we were giving to the other was the type of affection that we each wanted and not what was most important to the other. i don’t know if that makes sense.

regardless, there’s just too much that’s happened and i am tired and i am sure he is too. maybe we can use the knowledge that we’ve gained to help us maintain our friendship - after all we are best friends and we love and care for each other deeply and to apply the this into our future relationships or next try of creating our own family.

everything is so fluid to quote my friend angelica again. everything is fluid.

oh shit! it’s 10:06 and i have to get ready to head down to southern cal. i’m meeting up with my friend mark in simi valley to go play a round of golf. damn it’s gonna be hella hot! lost canyons is my favorite one in simi valley www.lostcanyons.com that’s where i was able to first hit his my ball to go over and through a big thick ass tree and it’s where i pitched my ball from a sand trap straight into the hole. i know you don’t believe it and i can’t either, but i have 3 people who can confirm. but my ultimate favorite is pelican hill’s ocean course www.pelicanhill.com/southern_california_ocean_courses.html the staff just gives you so much attention and the course is just so beautiful and you never feel dragged down by the heat of the sun. too bad it’s closed right now.