my life with depression.com

my friend joel is expecting his first child in July. today was the baby shower, so i went shopping last night. man! there are so many cute baby girl’s cloths out there.

while shopping, i had this weird urge of wanting a baby girl. the feeling was weird. those mommy feelings don’t usually happen to me except when I’m shopping for babies cloths. i fell in love with two dress. this white one and a blue one. i was somewhat tempted to buy one of each in the event that i end up having a girl when i finally get pregnant. to my dismay, i decided not to as it is impractical.  but look at how cute this yellow duck and blue theme is:

i get to see my niece and nephew tomorrow. I’m really excited to see them. if it’s not too hot outside, we might go to the driving range and hit some balls. I’m trying to expose them to something that they would other wise never get exposed to and i want to show them that’s it’s not just all about football and basketball. that there are also refined sports where players don’t bump and tackle each other.

so anyways, i get to see them. just like with all the short visits, i love them and then i get too much of them. luckily they have their own home. if they do sleep over here in walnut, it’s usually not too bad, but it’s still a lot. don’t get me wrong, they are the most wonderful things in the whole entire world and i love them dearly. it’s just….

every summer, i fly the kids up to san francisco to spend a week with me. i have four reasons for doing this. #1 this gives my sister a break #2 i get to play mommy and test my disciplinary skills and fun factor #3 it was a way for me to see how my now S2BX is with kids. will he have patience and will he discipline the kids? #4 the trip is something that the kids get to look forward to every summer.

when they visit, we do everything! we play golf, we go swimming, we go to the museums, we go to the kid amusement parks, we go to the parks, i ride my mountain bike while they scooter along, we walk by the water, we play at the playground, we ice skate, we go to the zoo, we play computer/playstation /board games, we watch movies and best of all we eat! although you would think that i would be in my mommy mood, i am not. i don’t know what kind of mood i get into, but it’s great! I’m always active: cleaning, cooking … worrying, directing, waking up way too early …. I’m on the constant go go go. by the end of the day, I’m usually the first to go to sleep or i would fall asleep with the kids.

there was a time when i fell asleep when my niece was reading a book to me. still no mommy feelings.

when the week is done and they fly back home, that’s when the mommy feelings begin. i sit there in my living room in silence. i don’t hear the kids running around upstairs, i don’t hear sarah trying to get drew in trouble, i don’t hear their laughter and i don’t see all of their stuff all over the place. this is when i get sad. this is when i try to remember how fun the week was. this is when i start to cry and feel like my own kids have left. the empty house is the worst part of their yearly week long visit.