my life with depression.com

oh the pain of reality hitting you sooner than you thought. my S2BX and i decided to sell our place and soon divide our assets. he is no longer able to live under the same roof. i understand. he says that he enjoys hanging out still and seeing me, but it’s too hard. we live under the same roof, we share the same accounts, he stills feels responsibility for me … and so on, but we are not working on a future together. he feels somewhat trapped. he feels the need to move on with his life. i understand.

the whole thing just took me by surprise. we were getting along so well. in fact, he was just talking with his friend phil about our arrangement. phil’s reaction was disbelief. divorcing couples don’t usually and can’t usually live under the same roof, let alone get along as great friends. but we were doing it. in fact, when i tell others that, they too are shocked.

it is unusual, but we we’re trying to use our heads first. i need to stay in the bay area to take care of my business up here. i’m going to need to stay somewhere. he would have to pay for a new mortgage anyway as he will just purchase a two bedroom somewhere, we would still have my temporary "fixed costs" … so the solution was to stay in the same place.

i guess now, his emotions are what he is using and understandably so. he has so much pressure at work to succeed, the pressures placed on him by his parents, and then the pressures in his personal life. poor thing is getting pulled in so many directions. it will all get harder once he gets his promotion. his span of control will now be to oversee a division of over 600 people with even more exposure and eyes on him to succeed from the executive management team.

we got onto the topic because he asked me if i was sure that i wanted the divorce. i told him that right now, i feel that it’s the best thing for us. i talked to him about our bi-polarity and how some people drive each other crazy, we on the other hand drive each other especially crazy as we are sooo polar opposites.

he doesn’t understand why i’m sad. he says that this is what i want. it’s still hard. i just look back to what we built together. we both started off with nothing. while our friends were given a lot of things by their parents, he and i were able to say that everything that we have is truly ours. whatever property we have is from our hard work and saving and investing. we paid for our wedding, our honeymoon, the cars, the trips, the bills - everything…. with his help, i became more responsible with how i spend money. with my help, he became more adept in enjoying what he has and on how to be generous. he learned how to share (he is an only child). we both supported each other’s career and we’ve both done well up to now. we became sounding boards for each other… bouncing ideas and thoughts … i helped with with the "feelings" part of managing people and he helped me with the politics of work.

yeah, i’m sad. i’m really sad, but i’ve used my feelings way too long. letting it supersede logic way too many times. this is a cross road in my life and i can’t fuck it up. i can’t stay at the same place because of comfort. i have to go and experience the unknown. how am i suppose to grow if i only stay in the comforts of what and who i know?

in any event, at least we are still working on one goal together and that’s to maintain our friendship and respect that we hold for each other.

our personalities drive who and what will become of us. take for example my S2BX. there’s a reason why his personality is called the executive’s personality. because he holds the characteristics of what it takes. there are 8 levels of management in his fortune 10 company the eight being the ceo. level 5 is already an executive. he will be at level 3 in a few weeks. to get to any of these levels take a certain personality. realistically, i truly believe that he is capable of getting to president (5th level) of a division by the time he is forty. some people’s personality and abilities only take them to the 1st level,  some have what it takes to get to 7. i just wonder what type of personality is best for me. do i fit best with a "1st level personality" or a "2nd level personality" or do i just not like business people’s personalities and maybe am better off with a personality of a person who went into forestry or into architecture or even someone in social services … i don’t know. i do know that my personality does not fit well with the "executive" one too much - at least in the case with my S2BX’s. being friends and hanging out versus being married and living the day-to-day are totally different. that’s what people fail to understand when they tell us that since we are getting along, then maybe we shouldn’t divorce.

i do have to admit that for me to be more well rounded, i do have to work more towards attaining more of the "executive". does that make sense? my personality and that personality are complementary. to make me balanced, i have to show more of the "executive" side of my personality. and i DO have it. it’s just not as developed as his.

well, i guess this means that i won’t have to worry so much about whether to wear or not wear the wedding ring.  but that’s another post.