my life with depression.com

so i was going to update on my pain from this weekend. my S2BX didn’t call the realtor to sell the house. how do i feel. mixed. i was saddened because i thought that moving out would lead to our not being friends at the end. i really value him as a person and have a great deal of respect for him. living under the same roof allows us to have conversation. it allows us to talk through the pain and hurt to find closure. in a sense, it’s an economical therapy to find understanding to what happened.

there’s no hate. bitterness? maybe a lot at the beginning. pain? when i sometimes think about the last four years. again, these were the years that i felt most inadequate and when i felt like i was grasping at straws just to hold on. hold on to what? i don’t know. i just remember the rain poured down sooo hard and for weeks when i first got here. that’s a strong memory for me. i didn’t even own a raincoat. i’m from southern cal. what the hell are raincoats and where do you get ‘em?

sooo much water. no sun. no family. no support. i know that things happened in between that time to now but damn! i didn’t realize so many things can happen in just that small span of time. within this relationship. with work. driving 85 miles/hour to get to LA because your dad who you love dearly tried to commit suicide (hereditary deep depression). hearing your mom on the phone trying to wake your dad up just to find a suicide note. no. these are two separate events. i don’t even know how many times it happened. i just know that i need to be prepared after the holidays.

getting targeted at work by your manager for being honest and trying to explain why my daily metric is lower than my co-workers without telling her that my co-workers were lying just to meet the “quota”. that sucked ass. my sales numbers were good, but being new up here, she didn’t know to leave me the f*ck alone. just … what … two years before that, i was #2 in the nation. the year before when ranking was changed to regional, i was #3 … that was difficult. i felt like i was forced to lie. i didn’t want to get everyone in trouble, but i didn’t want to lie just to meet the numbers. i never had to do that before! i hate johnson and johnson.

all the while, something was happening to the dynamic in my relationship. well, two highly stressful jobs. i got married = stress. set up house = purchase stress. hating life. hating the move. hating the job. hating my manager.

i finally got out of that hell hole and was recruited by icos. this is when i learned the lesson of not following the money. another company also wanted me, but … don’t even get me started! kids don’t follow the money. go with your gut and what your intuition tells you.



my niece was born two years ago. such a sweet girl, so many complications. my sister didn’t work for more than a year. it was too hard to have a child who needed care 24-7. yeah, she had nurses 16 hours a day/night, but the rest of the time, it was all her and she didn’t want some other person taking care of her fragile child. besides, there were the other munchkins too. i remember during the night, i woke up to find the nurse asleep. i was so mad. SHE WAS SUPPOSE TO WATCH MY NIECE JUST IN CASE SHIYA STARTED TO SUFFOCATE! and when shiya was hospitalized every month for pneumonia, my sissy was the one holding the vigil next to the bed. a year later, there was silence.

last year, my cousin - the male version of me - committed suicide. left a son <6 years old and his wonderful wife. that was hard. i got wasted on kahlua and cream with my cousins cathy and jonathan. we were just thrown off. this guy is even “happier” than me! after reading the note, we all understood. knowing about the disease - especially when not diagnosed and treated right - we understood what happened. i don’t think that i have closure on that. i still sit here… even now … crying … yelling … WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!



sometimes, i would test myself to see if i’ve “recovered” from shiya’s death. i put on her dvd. if i start balling and crying later in the film, then that means i’m progressing. i’m progressing, but you can still find me balling during the movie and even after. i’m soooo mad. why that sweet little one??? yup. i’m not recovered. thank goodness for these nice thick lotus tissues. i’ve cried enough for the past 4 days.

oh and my other cousin april. she died not even a month after giving birth to her daughter. so april’s daughter was at her mom’s funeral before she even turned one month old.

then the icos thing … then heading towards my divorce thing. then this:

i’m tired. i am sooooooooo tired.

i’m worn out. i’ve been beaten up way too much. i can’t take it any more. i feel so weighed down. i just want to drop everything and just let it all go.

i wanna be free. i’m tired of hurting. i want to feel as weightless as the clouds.

i just want to be happy again.

then realizing that i’m a total looser and realizing that i’m NOT a victim.

it’s been a challenging four years. at times, i didn’t know how i was going to make it. last april, i remember driving home from los gatos at 5:30 - after work. there was a lot of rain again. my windshield wipers were on high and i still couldn’t see. i wiped my tears away but i still couldn’t see. they just kept falling down as hard as the rain. i felt my life literally going down the kitchen sink drain. i can literally feel - tangibly feel my life spinning down the drain - down a whirlpool and i couldn’t swim up for air.



back then, i didn’t know if i would ever find happiness again. have a real smile again. not the forced one because everyone expects it from me, but a real one. thank god for family and my dear friends: dsjh, alm, ass, sf, lbb, ky,ml, kf, mm, bb, ca, sc, skm, dr. jp’s office … you guys saved a life … i’m truly blessed and lucky.