my life with depression.com

passion. how would you describe passion? is that like a thirst for something? i asked my sister what her definition would be and she defined it this way: something that gives you self motivation without having to try to motivate yourself [into taking action?]. i can’t remember sissy’s exact words, but i think that’s about right.

i know that when i start a new occupation/career, i want to do something where i will have passion for what i do. is that cliche? of course everyone does. but … what’s my passion? how do i describe passion?

but aside from the career passion, there’s the relationship passion too. i told my therapist about the whole personality kick that i’ve been going through and my better understanding of my current relationship and what has happened. she said that it’s all fine and dandy and logical, but relationships are not all logical. she asked me if there was passion in our relationship and i said, “huh?”.

i guess i need to get a clarification on what passion is. i’m sure i have some somewhere in me. maybe i just have to find it. maybe i have it somewhere but because my life has been such a whirlwind, i’ve never stopped to take the time to ’smell the roses’ and feel my passions.

. . . . . . . .
definition
. . . . . . . .

suffering
the state or capacity of being acted on by external agents or forces
emotion
“his ruling passion is greed” (2) plural : the emotions as distinguished from reason b : intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction c : an outbreak of anger
love
a: arden emotion,
b : a strong liking or desire for or devotion to some activity, object, or concept
c : sexual desire
d : an object of desire or deep interest

oh my gosh! all the stuff that i wrote yesterday about the things that my career counselor and i derived from our session, the wanting to make a positive impact on people’s lives through my presence, knowledge and care. is that my passion? to have congruency in my inner self and my outer self. is that another passion of mine? to not have to try to be someone i’m not and maybe accept and understand myself and grow from there. is that a passion?

these have to be my passions. if i’m going to change my life’s path following these revelations, they HAVE TO BE my passions. i mean, career wise, i’ve been doing something that i love, but now i guess i want to do something that i really really really really really really love. I FOUND MY PASSION! yahooooooooooooooo! but now how do i translate that into a career? shit outta luck again

now, another thing that my counselor and i found is that i want to have a connection in my ‘love’ relationship. i think that she worded it like this, “authentic on the soul level”.



oooooooh, i found another one… maybe having a satisfied feeling of fulfillment with your partner. does that sound good? ding ding ding ding ding. i wrote about it already when i wrote about finding your soulmate. remember when i talked about the blob story? and when i talked about the istp personality or whatever you want to call that type of person. when i read the description of that type, i just felt like i found home. like i’m not longing for anything anymore. is it weird for me to say that i’ve fallen in love with that person? or should i say that i’ve fallen in love with that personality type. is that better? am i just dreaming? am i living in reality? i just don’t want to long for anything any more. and what am i longing for? i guess my definition of feeling loved and adored and respected on an equal level. not that i didn’t get the love from my S2BX or anything because i know he loves me dearly. sometimes i feel that i’ve been trying to fit a square peg to fit into cirle hole. i want to fit the circle peg into the circle hole now. i want that feeling of congruency. another exercise i did was listing my definition of success. here are the questions:

how did i define “success” earlier in my life?money, house b4 30 yrs old, making +$100K, financial security and retiring without having to lower standard of living too much, multiple properties, having a better standard of living from my parents, being able to help family monetarily and emotionally if necessary, having + $100K in savings that gets bigger as i age … etc.

where did my ideas on “success” come from?

how do i currently define success? emotional, balance on my explore/learn needs/material needs and salary. fulfilled and passionate at work. fulfilled and passionate and peace at home. helpful to family and friends.

how do the two definitions of success differ?the first definition was more money/exterior driven while the second definition is more internally driven.

i think that i’ve always felt that there was a discrepancy in my life. i just don’t think that i was able to clearly see it. i think for me to do just that, i have to go through this ‘transitional’ phase in my life. the pace of my life was so fast and i’m the type who has to talk through things in order to define the parameters of what i’m feeling. dude. thank goodness i’m doing this now without children. why did i say that? well, because i want to do a overhaul of my life and i wouldn’t want my children to take the ‘risks?’ that i need to take. well, i might define it as risk, others might not.