my life with depression.com

UPDATE: i am totally fine now. i just want to make it clear that i do not want to harm myself. a dear friend called to make sure that i was okay and we talked. to my silly friend: thank you. i’m lucky.

maybe i’m just really tired from having the munchkins over. that sadness just lasted an hour.

——————-

it’s 11:05 in the morning. i’ve had a relaxing morning until my S2BX and i had to talk about my cobra insurance. anyone who’s left a company knows how expensive cobra is. well i’ve been paying it to maintain my treatment and medications. plus, i get 20 psych related visits per year. well, my 20 visits are all used up.

i am going to have to go to kaiser now. i don’t know about your experience or opinion on kaiser, but i hate kaiser. during my first bout with depression, i was really disappointed with their treatment plan. they were so quick to push me to group therapy. i had one session with the psychologist and she was already pushing me to group therapy. HELLO!?! what’s not right with that picture? i thought in my head, “i have deep shit that i need to talk about and i can’t do it until i trust you! if i can even trust you!”

anyways, i am going to have to go to kaiser. i don’t have to and we can just buy an individual plan that’s probably going to cost $500/mo plus a new refill on my psych visits. but i would only do that if i really feel uncomfortable with kaiser. calculating all the costs and what i need, i guess i can go to kaiser and the five won’t be a wasted and kaiser will only cost an extra $35. i guess you get what you pay for.

i just need a psychiatrist to write a script for me every month for the same meds that i currently take. they’ll probably push me to generics. just frikin’ great! i’m going to have to take them 3x a day and i’m going to experience even worst side effects. as it is i get really sleepy in the afternoon and i already have a slight hand tremor. they need to give me what i take right now. i’m stable on it. it would be stupid for them to switch me! i hate kaiser.

the other one that i need is my therapist. she’s actually the most important one. i will ditch the medicine if i had to choose. at least with her, there’s hope of getting better. meds are just a crutch.

then we talked about the dental part of the insurance.

at about this point, i just felt so overwhelmed with my life. i’ve actually been doing well and i’ve been at peace with how it is, but i guess i slipped today because i’m crying right now and i can’t stop. i am sooooo scared of what’s in front of me. i know something is there, but i can’t see anything clearly. but i don’t want to hold on to my current life just because i’m scared of my future. i really hope that i’m strong enough to move forward and not to leap backwards back to my comfort zone. i’ve worked so hard and fought so hard to get to where i am. i’ve progressed so much since february of this year. now i feel overwhelmed again and i’m crying about it again. while i was sitting there, i just thought of escaping. escaping to where? i don’t know. just escaping. i didn’t think about suicide really. i think i just wanted the feeling of committing suicide; so i don’t feeling like this any more. so the bullshit just stops.

things are even going to be more complicated because i’ve filed a grievance with the government regarding what i believe is mental discrimination by my former employer. the government arm that i’m working with also agrees because they are moving forward with the investigation.

i’m suppose to go to brunch with the kids, but i decided to stay behind. i’ll probably join them when they go ice-skating. right now, i just need to experience my feelings and cry a little. i hope this doesn’t mark the progression of my depression. i thought i’ve been stable. i hope i’m still stable.

my therapist called me like crazy this morning. i guess we had a misunderstanding and she thought that we had a session. she called all of my phone numbers trying to reach me. i just ignored the phone cause i was getting the kids ready. i guess she thought that i might have hurt myself. i would never do that. if i did, then my dad will too since my suicide would give him permission to follow my lead. this is my life. i can’t even commit suicide if i wanted to.