my life with depression.com

oh my gosh - i didn’t realize that switching careers would be so difficult! at least that’s what i felt yesterday. i guess even if you’ve been a doctor for 10 years and all of a sudden you wanted to get into marketing, the transition would be just as hard. maybe even harder.

my search was actually a very saddening experience. i was hit by three things. i had a small business plan that i thought would be easy to do and i thought i had the place. but after doing just 20 minutes of on-line research, i felt like an icbm missile just fell and exploded on me. it’s still feasible, but now i have to do more ….. to get it started. so that’s number one.

i’ve not actually looked on any job boards so i thought that i would peruse through and see what is available. i’m not ready to “pick” a career yet, but in the mean time, i should do either a part-time or full time something while i think about what i’m going to do for the next …. 10 years.

i first looked into corporate training. i thought that would be something that i can do. i wouldn’t actually want to come up with the course materials, but i would love to interact and coach. well, guess what, they are always looking for corp. training managers. something that i would love to do. it’s close to the pay grade that i was getting paid, but i’ve never actually developed a course. well, i’ve done a bit in my past job, but not formally. i’ve led a seminar which i created, but it wasn’t as formal as what these people want.

so, i thought that i would look at pr - public relations. again, they are looking for executive pr people. although i am in the level of managing people, i am certainly not at the executive level. besides, i’d like to do the little things that the little people do first. ha ha ha !

then i thought, hey let’s look at working internationally. the only place that i would consider is london; maybe paris, mais je parle un peu francais. so london it is. there were actually some prospects. i have two cousins who live there. AND when am i ever going to get the chance to move to another country and work??? when i have kids? or when i get married again? nope. i don’t think so. so i figured… why not now? no time like the present. right? i sent some of those jobs to my email address. later i thought, am i just trying to rewrite my 20’s? well, whatever it is, i’m game. but still …. so that’s number two.



when looking at the salaries of these different occupations, i realized why my friends find it really hard to leave the industry. it’s because they make too much money and they aren’t as touchy-feely as me to where they are so bothered with the system. their base salaries are what? … high eighties to low nineties and their bonuses are twenty-five to thirty thousand. there’s not too many careers where you can make that money in a non-managerial position and only doing the work for what… 8-9 years? i’ve been told that it’s not that easy to make a hundred thousand, but now i actually understand and believe it. AND it only took thee hours of on-line searching! some of the management positions were only making seventy-eighty. so that’s number three.

when the kids and i were walking/skootering back from the park, i kinda spaced out. i was just thinking about how the sun felt so good and the cool wind did a nice job at moderating the temperature. then i saw a jack rabbit. i noticed how the cranes were standing on the side of the lagoon ready to catch fish. my nephew ran and tried to scare the geese so i had to tell him that they are extra sensitive as they still have their babies and i didn’t want him getting bitten. then i remembered how nice it is to do my walks around there and how i still have to watch the stanford crew team practice in the bigger lagoon before i have to leave this place. it was so sad. no where else does this exist other than in redwood shores. i mean, i lived in foster city - next city north of the shores, but it was NOTHING compared to this. everywhere else on the peninsula or in the san jose area get sooo hot! it’s always in the mid-70’s in the shores. i don’t even have air-conditioning. up in san francisco, it gets all foggy and it’s all concrete. i can live in the marina, but … way too many 20-somethings. the average age in the shores is 32-33. different mind set and you can have “nature.” so i guess that’s number four. i hope you’re not thinking that i should just stay in my current situation. although all of the above is really saddening for me and even though my mom, family and kids absolutely loves my S2BX, i have to be independent and i can’t do that with him. not the way our dynamics happen. i would have to keep pushing back at him every day as he encroaches. he likes “control-having things his way” (and that’s fine) but i don’t like to be controlled because i have my own opinions and they are just as good. he has been getting better though when i push back; i have begun pushing back again. my mom said that he and i together would have more options. i don’t have to rush to find a new career or i can stay home and keep searching or i can be a mom and just supplement his income with a small business … etc… we can have an “easier life” together basically. yeah, she’s right, and we’ve been doing really well together. we had a nice business partnership and that’s fine, but once he decided he was president and ceo, it’s not a partnership anymore and i’m not like his employees. mom’s also right in saying that she’s not the one who has to live with him. she’s always been supportive like that. she’ll give you her opinion but ultimately, it’s my life. she’s not controlling unlike other parents.and even though i never felt like my S2BX and i were ever “family.” this divorce will be breaking up a family. the kids always look forward to the summer when they know that they are staying with us for a week. mom and he sits at the breakfast table deep in conversation while i’m ignored. my aunts and uncles all think really highly of him. actually, there’s only been two boys that the family loved. it was todd turner and i really didn’t think that the fams would love any other more than him. my mom wanted to adopt toddy-bear after i broke up with him. then there’s S2BX. his side loves me and i’m the daughter that his dad never had. i love feeling like i’m not an outsider who just married his son. family relations can really ruin a relationship. i’m tired again. slept at 10, woke up at 2:30… tossed and turned… woke up at 5am. it’s now 7:31am. i think i will lay my head back down again.