my life with depression.com

i’ve moved out. i’m staying at this inn and i’ve noticed that i have a bug bite on my knee and near my elbow. did i mention that i got an internet special of $72 per night? that’s probably the reason why i have the bug bites; aside from the fact that i slept in a tank and didn’t sleep with my jammy pants. i guess it’s not the hilton or the marriott, but i’m trying to conserve money. i’m staying there until i find a studio or a roommate or a room to rent. i’m trying to keep my budget below $1000. ideally, i’d like to only spend $700 or 500. i don’t want to have to tax my S2BX since we still have my medical stuff, the property insurance… mortgage … divorce expenses … the lawyers charge $425 per hour. crazy! that’s like three months worth of starbucks every day monday to sunday!

why did i leave? i just need to be away. after how i reacted emotionally to two irritants, i realized just how hurt i’ve been. my S2BX is not evil, it’s just that … i just found out that i’m still hurting. a lot.

he asked why. he said that he’s really been trying to be better and to understand and to support. through our talking about things, he thought that i was reconciling everything. my answer to that was that i thought so too, but that i did not need his support now. i’ve got support - we pay for them. i needed his back then. and i felt like at my weakest moments, he body slammed me out of frustration and his not getting educated on what was happening with me. yesterday, i felt like it is too late.

i was raging and i was really really mean. something that i’ve not seen in such a long time. i mean a very long time. he said that he thought that our friendship was important to me too and that i still loved him too.

this is why i’ve moved out. because it is and i do and i don’t want to risk anything due to my “anger rages”. i just felt like from what happened the other day, i just didn’t need to get lectured like i was his kid. what’s been done has been done. i couldn’t change what happened. (i deleted what i’m talking about). i thought that he should’ve just spoken his peace and maybe supported me while i felt like i was going crazy.

AGAIN! no hug as i was spinning. less kind, supportive words and more lecture. he did this and he did that… and you don’t do this and don’t do that. that’s what i got. and HE’S had to put on the brave face for the kids ….. etc.

after i got back from my therapy session, i told him why my anger was so uncontrollable. i thought he understood, but last night, again with the lectures. after listening to my mom’s and my conversation over the phone, he felt really torn between what i “did” and why i did what i did because he agrees with my feelings on what’s happened too.

i just need to be alone. it’s 1:24. i’m tired. i’m in my home office as he is not home. my friend kevie called for some starbucks. i really need to hang and just not think about all of this. i think that i will put my head down for awhile and try to rest.

oh, i had this dream that i was taking my car down a mountain and i was going over 100 miles per hour around corners. it was crazy. i felt scared but i felt a rush. somehow, my friend angelica was in the car and we started driving slower. we pulled over to the left and we started looking for this restaurant that she wanted to introduce me to. we got a call from her husband andrew who told us that we were nearing china town and that we needed to get out of there. he said that there were thugs there, but …. i don’t remember the rest. i woke up all hot and yucky from night sweats due to my meds. YUCK!