my life with depression.com

i had a career counselor meeting today. it’s been confirmed that i am an extreme extrovert-intuitive-feeler-perceiver. i am almost the epitome of the ENFP. my scores came in and i scored in the high double digits for all on a scale of 1 to 70.

i’ve always known this about me. i’ve never formally tested it until now. and now that it’s been confirmed, everything in my life is so much more clear. all of those things that asked and begged for a reason are now answered.

strange thing happened yesterday. after i finished journaling, i was going to put my head down because i was so tired. probably so tired from my … how many days of crying…. anyhoo, i got inspired so i decided to revamp my eiffel tower painting. it needed to be revamped. like, really seriously revamped. so i did.

my S2BX came home after having lunch and hitting some balls with his friend steve. we ended up talking because i wanted to apologize for the events of the past two days. somehow during our talk, i ended up sharing the last of my two BIG secrets. the first i shared in the spirit of opening up earlier this year after i shared with him that i was too scared to tell him things.

the second and biggest secret finally came out. for him, it was kinda like an enlightening. we’ve been together for nine years. all of those strange pieces from our past all of a sudden became clear. he had understanding and clarity. this is the first time where i think he finally really understood and saw me for my humanity. he said that he feels even closer to me now than ever. for me, it was the biggest relief to finally shed the weight of the secret. i’ve only shared this with two other people: my therapist and my sister. i don’t regret telling my therapist, but i do regret telling my sister. and since i don’t know who you are and i don’t trust you , i’m not telling you.

everything that’s happened has fallen down my personality line and aside from that, i’m also a pleaser, an idealist, an advocate AND i am the oldest child. there. i’ve even covered the theory of birth order.

the secret that i had is really reflective of two big aspects of my personality; one being the need to have total harmony in my relationship and the other being a xxxxxxx.

by golly. i know who i am! i love who i am. i am happy with who i am.

there’s been so many times when i wanted to be “more logical” like right now when i want to use logic to decide the fate of my divorce/relationship. so many times when i hated and hid the fact that i suck at being organized the way other people want me to be. why i was/am such a sucker for always thinking and seeing good in people when they always turn around and either stab me in the back or disappoint and prove me wrong. i hated being the last person to believe in someone when everyone else stopped believing. i hated being “unreasonable” and being seen as the not so serious person in the group. i hated to be the one who was always expected to be happy and smiley and giggly as if that’s the only person that i am. i hated myself for not finishing things or seeing things through; whether it be a musical piece from my phantom of the opera piano book or the prepaid personal trainer sessions or my prepaid personal golf instructions. i hated being the one in my former work group to have the great ideas, but that i could never fully implement due to my ephemeral enthusiasm for ideas. i don’t know how i was even able to succeed in that job. most of all, i hated being unrealistic. i hated being a dreamer.i hated having to pretend to be someone else or WISH that i was someone else for so long.

it’s funny because i’ve tried to escape who i am for so long only to look back into my past and see the pattern of who i am light up so brightly - as in the example of both my two biggest secrets.

and now that the second biggest secret is out and he has a full appreciation for “myra” and a full understanding of what makes “myra” tick, it makes the decision of divorce not as clear and concise. my therapist the other day said that she’s made the choice to stay married. in fact, she’s made that choice many times. she said that she can’t guarantee that she will make it tomorrow, but today, she’s made the choice again. she said that my relationship with my S2BX is different now. i am a different person and he is different. our interaction is different and circumstances and times are different too.

after my conversation with my S2BX yesterday, he said that he never wanted to divorce. it’s just that he’s had to learn to accept it because i didn’t want to commit to working at it anymore. he also said that regardless of whether he and i stay married or not, he will always be supportive and he will always champion for me. i know that when i’ve journaled, i’m sure that at times, i’ve made him sound like a mean cold-hearted person. he really isn’t. he just doesn’t know how to express his feelings and because of this, his anger flairs. he really has a kind caring soul. through all of my “trying to get to know me”, he’s also gotten to know and understand himself. he’s focused on his biggest weakness of needing to control every aspect of his life and he’s made great stride in improvement. he’s also fought for our friendship through out this whole ordeal and he’s never stopped loving me - even when i’ve made decisions that were not always the “best” for him. i guess, aside from my parents, this is the closest that i’ve ever gotten to an agape love. i always thought that toddy-bear had this for me. oh how wrong i was. how can anyone let something like this go?

i still believe that leopards don’t change their spots. people don’t change. although now, i also believe that people can grow; just like he’s grown.

i’m torn. over +75% of me still yearns for and sees all the possibilities of a future alone, but now i see a little of the future possibilities with him. the possibilities that i always dreamed about that are so much more tangible now - this time though, i don’t think that it’s out of fear for the strong desire to go back to that comfort zone.

self note: bare bonz, strip down, how much. (NOT WHAT YOU’RE THINKING - YOU NASTY PERVERT!)