a pivotal moment
Thursday, August 3rd, 2006i had a special session with my therapist today. this is my third hour this week. the most i’ve ever had was two hours in one, but this is a special time in my growth period.
at the end, she said that today was a pivotal moment in my therapy. i told her that i had only hopes today and i had no signs of sadness though i contemplated killing myself monday night at the roach motel.
i told her all the recent events since monday night - from my moving out to the inn to my getting the enfp confirmation to my total opening up to my S2BX. she said that my nephew is fortunate to have me and that although he will not remember what i told him about school and tiger woods and all the other tiger-wanna-be’s, he will remember that i was the only one who was willing to risk all of my relationships to stand up for him and that growing up, he will always know it in his heart.
i told her that i feel like i am currently the only one who is living my parents american dream of having their children have a better life than them. i shared that my parents sacrificed so much and i wasn’t about to squander that sacrifice and i AM going to give them their american dream.
we talked about the S2BX situation. i asked if i should not come back to the house. she said that
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continued august 4th at 11:21am.
she said that since we have the paperwork filed, it would be a good idea to have some physical space between the two of us. as far as stress level is concerned, divorce ranks up there with loosing a member of the family and losing a job. people don’t meet and then all of a sudden get married do they - without the “getting to know you” period or the engagement period? well, some do, but that’s always a recipe for disaster. she said that separating for at least a month will either confirm what we’re doing or not. a month from now, we can both realize that we can’t live without each other. wouldn’t it suck if the first time we ever physically separate is after the divorce and we both realize that we can’t live without each other?
besides, she said that we were doing things backwards. people separate physically first before talking about dividing the assets. we were doing it the other way around. i asked why she never really pushed me to do it the “right” way. first, it was my choice. second, she didn’t know how any of it was going to affect my depression. third, she noticed that by staying in the same place, it was a sign that we both were still “trying to hold on.” hmmm never saw it that way. we both thought that we were all cool and new age!
during this session, i also told her that i recognized my role in the relationship; both good and bad. i see how both of our personalities interacted with the other and i can literally see why we are where we are. he isn’t the only one to blame. i’ve been giving him 69.9% of the blame. now i see clearly that it’s only 50.9% his fault! we both played a strong hand in what’s happened.
yesterday, thursday the third, i told him that i wasn’t moving back in for awhile even after my time at the inn has expired. he was fine with that. he didn’t like it and i’m not suppose to expect that he will be there in a month. i don’t expect him to. he has to take care of himself and do what he has to do to stay sane. as for me. i need this physical separation. i feel bad because he has been going up and down and up and down emotionally. we both have. damn. divorce is hard. i think especially for the one who feels like they have no control over things (him).
this will be a good thing for him anyway. work is very stressful right now. he has to write 10 evaluations for his managers before he leaves this current position. he has to start and transition his six-sigma project that company decided to implement over to someone else here in the west, he has to have a two hour meeting regarding why he is suspending someone for a month without pay … he doesn’t know when the CFO of the company will sign off on his promotion…. etc. and we are selling the place - finally!
don’t quote me on that. that’s how our conversation ended last night. i told him that that is not what i wanted, but if that is the repercussions of my decision to not come home for awhile, then so be it. he asked me for how much of the assets i wanted. i didn’t have a number, so since he insisted, i said 75%. he was fine with that. i told him that of course i don’t want 75%, but he insists on my giving him a number right now.
arggggg! i love him and it hurts to see that he’s hurting. i feel somewhat selfish, but i’m trying not to be. i’m not playing with his heart and i’m not playing with his mind and telling him to wait …. etc.
my therapist said that i need to define what freedom means to me. i just started using that word and i don’t have a clear idea of what it means for me yet. it’s suppose to give me insight.
oh, my psychiatrist still wants to follow up on me even though i’m going to kaiser. she and my therapist and my career counselor both understand my pain. anyway, my psych said that i don’t have to see her as often and that we can do a visit per quarter. the kaiser doc can just get with the program and write the script that she has me on. after all, she’s the one who has worked with me for over one year!
here’s a picture of me and the munchkins at the ZEUM museum in SF.
From your S2BX, I will pray for you (as I know I need prayer also) and pay you back your money. I hope that one day you you will learn to stop looking down from your self-made pedestal were you judge others by these high standards that you yourself have never attained and most humans won’t. It must nice to be able to look in from the outside and discern that your decisions in situations that you know very little about or non at all would be better than those living them. I thank you for all the help you have ever given me, but if you feel that it gives you the right to judge my life and those in it then I’m sorry it doesn’t. Life is hard, learn to deal with it, I have to. I may not have the white picket fence life that you image yourself to have or feel you deserve, as you allow everything around you to fall apart, but I atleast I can say I have worked hard for everything that I have and everything is a work in progress, including relationships. And you know what, I am okay with that. This doesn’t mean that I am settling, just that I understand things are not always going to be tied up in nice little bows like you would like. To say all that you have regarding my children would be to say that we had the worst parents ever growing up, something totally against the rose- colored glasses you wear over our childhood. Belive me we endured worse then my children could ever think to imagine. You know what, I know I’m not perfect, but I do know that I am a good person regardless of and I have learned to love and appreciate my parents. Trying having kids first and a marriage that you are actually involved in before you decide to force upon others your rhetoric rather then advise. When your done with the manual to raising children and having a perfect marriage let me know. Maybe then I will feel as free as you to say that I can sacrifice my relationships because I guess I know better. I pray that you will never have to endure what life has shown me, but maybe you would learn that to be humbled also teaches you to appreiciate what you have- the good and the bad. Unlike how you presented it I do have have a piece of the REALISTIC American Dream and one day through persverence I will have it all, or at least more of it. In closing I will always love you and be grateful, and maybe one day this too will pass. If not I hope you find whatever happiness your looking for…My advise, stop looking to others only for conformation and to tell you what your missing. Otherwise you will never find the happiness and validation your looking for. SX
Comment by backtatoogirl — August 7, 2006 @ 4:53 pm
If that S2bx meant something else though, what I wrote still stands but my sign on and off do not apply.
Comment by backtatoogirl — August 7, 2006 @ 4:59 pm
sissy, i don’t need your prayers. so save it. i don’t ask god for help when i’m the one who used my free will to get myself in whatever mess i’m in.
i try my hardest not to judge others in their decisions. after all, i am not the one living it, but i guess it’s easy enough to just complain to me and not expect me to want to do anything about it. it’s like, i’ll bring you into my world, but keep your mouth shut even if you see the worst of it and you love me and my kids. to complain about a husband where you would rather die than have your children grow up to be anything like him, to ask for help from me when the worst decisions were ever made without considering the smaller ones of the family - don’t expect me to accept.
i don’t care about the money. i don’t need it. money has never been anything to me but a tool to help my family. but don’t spend my money on stupid shit like $200 tattoos or expensive christmas gifts for stupid people or consider $2000 carribean trips when it should be your money you throw away - after I GET PAID - without interest of course.
if you don’t want me in your business, go to the bank and talk with a therapist that i offered to pay for. i know from experience that they are great!
i do have higher standards because if i keep them low, i will just be sub par. i want to strive to be more than that. nothing wrong with wanting to be your best and trying to achieve a higher standard. i don’t feel that the white picket fence is something that i deserve, it’s something that i am trying to attain. it’s my goal. people with no goals become static and never grow.
do i have the same standards for you? of course! i’ve known you all of your life. i know what you are capable of and what you have and can achieve. if i thought that you were not smart or intelligent, i wouldn’t set the bar high for you, but you are both, so i do.
it’s easy enough for me to lower the bar for you as you like. i’ll start now. maybe i won’t care as much. maybe that will help me out.
i don’t have kids, but i know verbal abuse when i’ve seen it during a course of …. how many years has it been? we talked about not being raised ghetto - remember that conversation and how you don’t want to be ghetto?
i don’t act like i have a perfect marriage. i never have. if i did, then no one, even you would know about my business sissy. i don’t complain to much about it to family because the past 4years have been really difficult for us with what’s happened with pops and shiya and ruel and etc. and i’m trying to handle the consequences of my decisions myself without employing the help of my family.
so there you have it. you know that i love those kids of yours like they were my own. i would rather er on the side of trying to protect them than to just whisper about it and PRAY that things get better. carpe diem.
back in january, i thought that i had no options. luckily for me, i was able - with the help of my support group - to see that i’ve had options. it was just hard to see it when in the middle of shit. looking back now, i see that i had so many options.
you and i both have so many options. it’s just about realizing it. shoot, even now i still have alot of options. YOU have a lot of options
Comment by m — August 21, 2006 @ 6:08 pm