my life with depression.com

had another conversation with my STBX. we were discussing the assets again and when to contact the realtor. there was a small escalation, but that soon passed. a question was posed to me:

are you sure you still want to divorce?

he said that things will be moving forward faster in the next few weeks/months. once the ball is rolling, there will be no turning back; especially when our home is sold. my moving out for a bit was good he admitted, though the first few days were difficult.

he addressed the fact that he’s sorry that things turned out this way. that he wasn’t there when i really needed him during the four years. he understands that there have been / are others who supported, understood and had patience for what i was going through and who were not resentful that i was not the happy M that i’m suppose to be. although he is better at giving support, is now taking the time to understand my depression and has also embark on his own self-improvement-self-understanding journey, he does accept that he can’t expect me to drop those people/ that person who helped to hold me up and give me encouragement while i was drowning.

he and i were both hurting during our relationship somehow. whether it was the way our personalities were coming together or having to deal with the consequences of that, to how everything caught up to us during the last four years. the resentments, the lies, the secrets, the anger, the hurt, the misunderstandings, lost of trust, the love, the friendship, the experiences…. he said that even through all of that, he still loves me and has moved beyond it all.

he says that his original idea of what a marriage is has been totally blown away. he’s had a re-birth of his ideas. this is obvious in that even through all the let-downs and lost of trust on both sides, he is still willing to work at the relationship even now.

his idea that he didn’t marry a house wife no longer stands. he said that if i wanted to stay home and take care of the kids and our home responsibilities, he was willing to support it. he is now willing to support what i need and what i want - well, he will at least reason things out rather than just stick to his image of what kind of wife he wants. this may not seem like anything to you, but if you knew this guy, that’s A LOT of flexibility.

i supported his career only to have him dictate what mine should be: a professional bringing in so-and-so amount of money and having this and that type of image. he’s now happy if i just make $50K or less ; just to supplement my/our “interests”. mind you, i’ve never said that i wanted to be a house wife, but i would rather have the option of being one if i so choose. that’s why his career was supported and not mine. it was more important for him to climb. to him success is defined more in the business world while my success is more defined through relationships. we have different needs and i wanted to support his to have mine fulfilled. does that make sense? i just want options.

now that he’s over “all of that” and that he’s ready to move on, he can’t really pin point why we are divorcing. is it only because it would be the easy solution? we are different people now. we are more aware of our dynamics. whatever “heavy” thing that kept us from ever really being as close as a husband and wife has been shared. he loves me even more now - especially since all of “this”. i am working on my “not being intimidated” to share even the not so happy things with him and to have total honesty while he is working at not escalating just because it’s not the thing he wants to hear.

his head says that a divorce is the right thing, but his heart says the opposite.

my answer was that i have so many options now. i’ve never had a place in my life where i had the opportunity to make decisions without having to consult my dad/family or him. where i can decide what / when / where / who.

the freedom! it’s so exciting for me and i can’t seem to let the thought go. i am drawn to the multiple possibilities that lay ahead by being alone. i feel like this will be a time for me to grow. this will be the ritual of becoming an adult for me. the one that i’ve never had; hence the reason why i feel as though i am still in high school trying to be an adult.

yeah, i hesitated a bit. every woman wants a man like this. someone who is not perfect, but who is willing to address issues and endure heartache and hardship for the betterment of you and still be committed to the relationship.

yeah, we were lazy together. but that was back then. yeah we competed against each other. yeah there is a lot of hurt. yeah, we both had resentments….. but isn’t that all history and under the bridge?

oh - and he’s family.

am i dumb for not grabbing what most women only dream of?