my life with depression.com

it’s so funny. given that my STBX and i use negotiation skills outside the home, it’s funny that we never really employed it inside the home during our “lost” four years.

last night, we negotiated a way on how we are going to be able to keep our home as an investment and later take advantage of his company’s relocation program. i came up with the idea that he stays at the house while i move out into an apartment. he would pay for everything. the total cost of our place including both HOA and taxes is a little over $3500. i guess i calculated a lower number in the past. i would still maintain 50% ownership of this and the other house and i would get about 65% of our savings and investments and we both get to keep our own 401k. he keeps the bmw and i get the infiniti. he doesn’t have to give me money to compensate and equalize for my moving up here for his career and to off set his future higher earning potential. with the way he’s going, he will be president of a division by the time he’s 40. i have to start all over. this stands regardless of whether i decide to go back to work in the near future or not.

i’m not actively looking for a job right now, but i still need a total compensation of >$100k to feel comfortable. should i just lower my expectations? should i not live in the peninsula or in sf? a one bedroom in a neighborhood that i would feel safer in starts at $1400. in the city where there is more life, a one bedroom in the marina or cow hollow or anything with the word heights on it starts in the $2000 + 300 for a parking spot.

i guess if i’m going to pay +$2000 for a one bedroom, i might as well move down to LA. i was looking at the sea castle in santa monica. it stands between the SM pier and shutters. (i love shutters! beautiful hotel) at least i would get valet and beach front! such a rip here in the bay area. then again, it is the bay area with bay area people and culture. moving to LA would give me… well, LA people and people who are “in the industry”. so fuck’n annoying! okay, so it was cool having lunch with charlize theron and having the door opened for you twice by bill cosby and chatting with ron howard in the green room while he waited to go on the tonight show with jay leno! but you know… that becomes same old same old; just like when i got tired of eating sushi everyday. OH MA GA! name dropping! that was sooooo LA or NY!

i’ve searched out for guest houses already. but i guess these days, you can call a converted garage a guest house. i’ve been looking in the atherton, palo alto areas and have now included los gatos, saratoga and los altos hills. these are the neighborhoods where real guest houses/cottages stand on >1 acre and is truly not part of the main house. oooh! i can be like kato kailen (oj simpson trial). cool.

well anyways, this all sounds good and dandy, but a lawyer still has to look over this for me. we’ve not made any verbal or written contracts yet. we both are going to “sleep on it” and negotiate s’more if issues come up like what happens if his company wants to move him within 1 year. i guess i would ask for a bigger % of this property.

well, since we will be separated, then i guess we both will move on with our lives until we both sign the divorce papers.

do i feel sad? no i don’t think so. does he feel sad? maybe, but i think that we are more happy with the fact that we still have so much love and respect and care for each other regardless.

will i ever regret leaving? probably. though i don’t like to have regrets. from what i understand, quality men are rare and the single scene is … how can i put it …. YUCK!   … my STBX now sees my full humanity and he still wants me. maybe i AM the executive wife type and that’s what i want… but i won’t ever know who i am unless i take my journey alone. i’m willing to give up all of this for me to complete it and see it through. i will not allow the premature completion of this transition to greatly affect my 40’s transitional stage.

i keep going back to my friend angelica’s saying that “everything is fluid”. she is so right and we are all in a constant state of flux.