my life with depression.com

i had my therapist yesterday. man, she is so worth the money. i really like her. i know some people have not done well with one, but i guess it’s like looking for a new dress, you have to try on a bunch until you find the right one.

anyways, i was talking to her about how i felt like i was stripping down and starting over on my own terms. i told her that my career counselor did that in her 20’s. she got married at 22. was a teacher. was married to a PhD (family set up). moved far away from home.

she lost herself. to find herself again, she stripped everything off. the marriage. the career. moved back to nyc. lived alone for awhile. then she met her current husband and is doing something that she loves - aside from wanting to be a rabbi.

i asked my therapist if i was doing the same thing. the difference being that i’m doing it in my 30’s. she said that our relationships are always in a constant flux. it’s like looking at your living room ten years after you first decorated it and deciding that you no longer like the wallpaper, the mirror and the coffee table. so, what do you do? you remove those items amd replace them with something that’s more you now. maybe you put up a coat of paint and add picture frames to take the place of the mirror. adapting to who you [i] are[am] doesn’t mean that you have to shed everything. but for me, i feel like i am.

she said that it seems i am stripping away the things/people that/who made me feel like i was drowning and not myself. i am stripping away the things that gave me extreme stress. i remember that i used to have this incredible pain that i lived with. it started somewhere on my left trapezius (spelling?) and up the side of my neck. i don’t feel that now. i can’t believe that i used to live with it.

i also told her that i don’t have any bad feeling towards my STBX anymore. no more resentment, hurt, pain, feeling like the victim or anything like that. i think that i’m at peace with the past now. she explained that it’s because i’ve fought back for myself again. i’m not “allowing” anymore. i’m fighting harder for my ideas. i am verbalizing more like “i’m sorry if i made you feel defensive. i just wanted to say that blah blah blah makes me feel blah blah blah” i am at an even playing field again. well, i guess i’ve always been. it’s just my depression and everything else clouded that fact. i feel so much freer now. it feels good.

my psych suggested lowering my meds, but i said no. not until things kinda die down a bit more. i’ll be moving out and if i got the job i interviewed for, i might have to relocate to southern cal. regardless, i still have to move out. buy new furniture… etc. BED! i want to get the super plush thick ass pillow top kind! — oh and maybe start an active job search soon.