my life with depression.com

[ MORE: transitions ]

i was reading back on a feb06 blog titled who am i? which made me smile. for about a year at that time i was thinking that i was experiencing an early mid-life crisis. it’s not until a few weeks ago that i finally truly understood what i’m going through - well, aside from the depression - which is wired in me genetically.



MY therapist suggested i read a book by william bridges so that i could learn more about life transitions and why change has to happen:

transitions: making sense of life’s changes.

AND DAMN IT’S GOOD!

it speaks to:

the need for change
1. being in transition
2. a lifetime of transitions
3. relationships and transition
4. transitions in the work life

the transition process itself

1. endings
2. the neutral zone
3. you finish with a new beginning

it’s a quick read book with only 187 pages, i’m only up to page 56, but there’s already good shit-good shit to write about.

every phase of our life has different “tasks” and failing to complete them satisfactorily means that you make the transition into the next phase accompanied by unfinished business.



so, this psychologist named erik erikson explains that the process of forming our identities starts during our youth when we try on different roles and experiment with different kinds of relationships. 

YOUTH

the task of this phase in life is to form some sense of self.

TEENS

on your own

the task of this phase is to slowly start the transition from our dependency on our parents to ourselves. this includes getting your first part-time job, going away to school but still remaining financially dependent, finishing school, earning enough money to pay your debt.

TWENTIES

entering the adult world

the task of this phase is to transition from a dependent child into an independent adult. the focus is no longer leaving something, but to find and to fit into something else. this is the searching phase where we are experimenting with relationships in the hope of making commitments. some are quick with their decision and find their place fast. they marry, launch careers and begin families with little experimenting. others do the opposite. they try out different relationships, jobs, living situations, maybe return back to school. for these people, they experience many different transitions during the next 10 years.
[UPDATE: i missed what i was suppose to do in my twenties. so now, i have to do it in my thirties. i have to be an independent adult]

there is no wrong or right way. each has it’s own benefit and price. the early place finders may regret that they didn’t try out different options while the experimenters may wonder if they waited too long and missed out on something. this usually happens with both groups as they approach their 30’s.

THIRTIES

age thirty transition

there is more of a realism about oneself and it is the time to open up to what’s inside. THIS CAN BE THE PIVOTAL TRANSITION OF OUR LIFETIME. whatever we are doing seem to no longer be right. various transitions begin with the discovery that roles and relationships are starting to pinch and bind.

people question their choices have have second thoughts. people divorce. they settle down. they find meaningful work for the first time. some quit a career that they have worked on for the past 10 years. some get pregnant while others let their former husbands take full custody of their children to resume a career that was shed before or soon after marriage.

the point between 22 and 33 are kind of the “novice period” of adulthood; looking at the early 30’s as actually the end of childhood. this is the time to be on ones own, to search for a place in the world and the time for second thoughts. really moving from dependency to independence. during this time, there is a sense of anxiousness because there is the threat of returning to the old dependency that we are trying to move away from. some people change careers after 10 years and feel like they have to start all over again ( i am really feeling this. i am sometimes fearful; more of the unknown and the fact that it sucks that i have to re-start and jump into the race late ) and the feeling of a set back and having to run like hell to catch up to everyone else. these are suppose to be normal and it is important to recognize the reason for having these feelings. the past ten years were not a waste of time.

these promptings of second thoughts can determine the course of our lives to come. ignoring  this transition may remove any opportunities for development provided by this transition. to see this transition as just temporary and by avoiding the time consuming shifts and inner reorientation can cause you to loose in the long run. this is how people become “brittle beauties of the suburbs” and the company “yes-men”.

the questioning of our lives in this phase gives us a clearer sense of our direction in the coming years of our life. our 30’s can be a time of new or renewed commitments. this is when we start to live life on terms that we can accept. to live life on our own terms.

these are also called the time of “settling down”. it is said that people who tailor their life situations according to their own capacities and needs at this time make the most successful long-term commitments and those who power their way through this change without much change are the ones who are heading for a really rough and hard 40’s.

THIS TRANSITION SETS THE TONE FOR HOW OUR MIDDLE DECADES WILL BE.

FORTIES

mid-life crisis

since i am not in this period yet, i will not elaborate too much. this is when we start to feel out of place. kids are older, but so are we. you look in the mirror expecting to see your 30-something self only to find someone who isn’t and you think “where did my 30’s go?” oscar wilde hits this one home with:

“the gods have two ways of dealing harshly with us - the first is to deny us our dreams, and the second is to grant them.” if you realized your dreams, you ask yourself, “is this it? is this what i’ve been trying to reach?” and if you failed to realize them (and it tends to be around this time that such discoveries are made), you have to face what the existential psychologist james bugental has called “the nevers”: “i guess that i’m never going to be the head of the firm… never going to have children of my own… never going to be a great writer … never going to be rich .. never going to be famous.” for many, this is the time of coming to terms with the recognition that they have been chasing a carrot on a stick.

like i said: “i’m willing to give up all of this for me to complete it and see it through. i will not allow a premature completion of this transition to greatly affect my 40’s transitional stage.”

p.s. it also gives you strategies for coping with the difficult, painful and confusing times in your life

but you know what though? it’s been a bitch ass seven month journey full of tears, anger, tears, hurt, tears and relief. you know what sucks? it still continues.

[ MORE: transitions ]




:: please pass me the cheese, cause this picture is cheesy! ::