my life with depression.com

well, it’s thursday and my official move-in-date is this saturday. i’ve been to the loft setting things up, waiting for my fluffy bed to finally arrive and getting frustrated as my pre-wired cable doesn’t work. the signal comes into the building, but stops there and sends no signal to my outlets.

my bathrooms are done. i think that i’ve done an acceptable job at sticking with my budget and making the whole thing look lovely. i was able to blend a mixture of less & more expensive things to make it look more that what it is. the gestault is what’s important. can i just say that i love the home goods store and bed bath & beyond and ikea and home goods and macy’s and target. the last things that i have to purchace is my dining room table which will also double as my desk and a space divider bookshelf which will also act as my “file cabinet.”

so far, everything has been a great experience - good or bad. i’ve met some people who live there too. there’s jaquline who owns a business for massages, there’s cynthia who owns the restaurant downstairs and who will open a breakfast place downstairs in the other available retail space and then there’s al and sherie (?). Al actually knows my S2BX. He had everything good to say about darian even b4 he found out what my relationship was to him. kinda funny to have him as my neighbor and darian feels kinda funny too. he’s beent he type to separate more of his work and personal life more than me, so he’s getting more blending than what he’s used to.

S2BX spoke with our banker about what’s happening, so there were plenty of things to talk about this morning. the banker just talked about worst case senarios because he sees them all the time. alot of it could be explained away by the fact that i will not do a sole proprietorship but rather a S-corp of some sort.

i had a lunch meeting with kevie yesterday. i think we are going to offer our first lecture on how to get into the bio-pharma industry by this November. kinda exciting. i’m going to do alot of typing while i’m away in paris at night after my french immerssion classes.

funny, the feeling of being an adult is finally coming and the reality and seriousness of the adult world has begun to finally set in. i can still feel that i’m still a bit dreamy, but i think that reality is somehow coming into my thoughts.

i’ve divested my brother and sister so those ’stressors’ are gone and i can now handle and say no to my mom when she needs me to ‘persuade’ the sibblings to do somehting. as an oldest child, i’ve always been in charge of my siblings. i protected my sister from my brother and i tried to guide my brother once he entered the working world. it’s always been my duty to bail them out. if they needed to borrow money, well, they got it. i guess i learned now that ONE SHOULD NEVER MIX MONEY WITH FAMILY/FRIENDS. i will never lend money ever again. i’m done. i will not help take care of them anymore. it’s just bringing me emotionally down. especially my ungrateful brother - at least my sister is more grateful, but her ass of a husband is the ungrateful one. these relationships are also going to go through a major transition. now i wish that i can just get to that part of my transistions book, but i’ve been so busy with all these other things called life.

to bail them out all the time is to enable them to keep doing what they are doing. if they don’t fall and get hurt, they will never take necessary action(s) to change situations.

the past few days have been hard on me emotionally. i’ve not really wanted to pack - although i have been. i’m just seeing all of these things that i don’t have to see and it’s just a reminder that my life is REALLY changing. i’m not sad about that, it’s just the change is a change. i’m usually pretty adaptive, but since my depression, adaptation has become somewhat hard for me. we shall see how well i adapt. my depression is controlled, so let’s hope that the transistion doesn’t cause too much undo stress.

this is a good thing too. i’ve never really had to think about money and how much i’m spending because i never used to spend so much. now that i’m buying bathroom floor mats and kitchen gadgets and mattresses and things, i see how fast money can disappear. WOW. especially when it’s not getting replaced - as i have no job and living within my savings. i want this $400 dining table that will double as my desk, but i just also purchased 2 kate spade purses. in the past, i never had to think twice about buying a kate spade or whatever, but now that i want my table, i’m having to think twice ’cause that’s $1000! - on a fixed income. and i know that my savings will grow again and that these are the times i’ve anticipated my savings for, but still, it’s hard to see the dollar amount go down and down and down and down and not up and up and up and up and up….. well, hopefully i hit the break-even point of the business so i see the trend going the opposite way.

we shall see.

time to go to my therapy session. i have to talk to her about all the anger that i’ve been feeling and the i don’t give a shit feeling about my siblings and the feeling of FU - you ungrateful bastardos! - and the kiss my un-tanned butt.

i don’t even have time to do spell checker or to read over this. oh well! not going to stress about it.