my life with depression.com

just my luck. it’s monday the 9th and i still don’t have cable. the electrician came by this saturday and checked the lines out. i guess the comcast guy did his coax cable plug thing wrong. so now, i have to wait for him to come back and do it right. i am finally able to get internet through the building’s wireless. they are surprised that i can even get it up here from the first floor. come to think of it… so am I!

reflection in solitude

so it’s been a full week since i’ve lived on my own. i love the solitude. funny coming from a total extrovert. maybe i’m on my way to becoming more “balanced” as a friend would say. my therapist is really happy that i’m adjusting so well. she did warn me that i will feel sadness or whatever and not to push that away. she says that i must deal with it. it hasn’t hit me yet, so maybe after i get back from paris? maybe during my paris trip?

i have felt a little sadness here and there, but last friday was my 4th year wedding anniversary and today is my niece’s death anniversary.

so i guess it’s normal. the other night, i was listening to some jazz music - chet baker - i lit some tea light candles and turned off all the lights in the loft and i just sat down on the couch and i just let my mind go blank. i was looking at the way i decorated this place compared to my other place. totally different. the shores was more of a cape cod design so my furnishings were more potterybarn - like. here, white wood, metal and blond wood floors rather than the richer color that i had in my old kitchen. i wonder where the change came from. did it come from the building’s different architecture or from somewhere inside myself? i mean, is this current decoration a reflection of the real me who got to do whatever i wanted without someone else’s opinion on design or cost? when i got here, my first inclination was all dark wood again, but i remember thinking that i was going to make a point about not doing that. i wanted something different and something new …. was this due to the architecture or just the reflection of my new found “freedom”?

so i sat there and reflected in the dark with the sound of sexy jazz in the background and the soft flicker of the candle lights.

i came to the realization that this is more me. sitting there …. it felt right. whatever i bought and however i place the item in the loft is a reflection of who i am now.

growing up, i never really had “dreams” of how my life will be, but as i was pondering how i felt that evening, i think this is how it would be if i dreamt about it. i’d have a great space, i’d work from home and i’d have the freedom to work when i want. the only thing that’s holding up that dream is the money part coming in and the building of a business.

i’m very happy with the idea of consulting. like i said, when that girl was smiling and was applying my suggestions, i felt so good! i felt satisfied and complete in my life. i felt like my life was coming together - finally. i guess for now, this is the life that i am to live. …. i think i’m fine with that.

so, going back to my therapy session

i told karen that i think that i might be …. well … bipolar. she asked why. i explained the anger and rage that i felt the other week. i couldn’t ignore my brother-in-law’s arrogance and his not so overt taunts. so after one of his last emails, i fired away and showed him that he wasn’t ‘the man’ as he goes around showing everyone and that he’s actually not a good addition to the family. after all, if he was, would the family feel like he’s a jerk-bully who yells all the time at the kids and disrespects my sister all the time? would my parents worry about my sister as much as they do? no. i don’t think so. but alas, it’s all her choice. could it be low self - esteem? i’m not telling my sister to leave him, only to expect better for herself and the kids and to not put up with shit anymore!

then there’s the instance at staples. the guy says that he was going to ask his manager about the answer to my question, but 10 minutes later, i see him chatting away with some other employee. AND she wasn’t the manager! i know who the manager is because the day before, i spoke to him and complimented one of his employee’s great customer service! so what did i do? i picked up the phone, turned on the store’s intercom and paged the manager: “manager, please report to the furniture department. manager please report to the furniture department.” i waited a bit more and still nothing. so again, “manager please report to the furniture department, manager PLEASE REPORT TO THE FURNITURE DEPARTMENT.” for some reason that week, i wasn’t going to let things slide …. the manager came out fuming! i saw the anger in his eyes… i told him the situation .. he turned around and had that employee take better care of me. the problem was a lack in communication. the guy just said that he would ask his manager for the answer. he didn’t give me an expected time to wait so sitting there for over 10 minutes, i felt forgotten. then i saw him just chit-chatting. well, i guess he didn’t ask his manager for the answer, but rather … had another employee call the other stores - which by the way would not have given me my answer.

then there was the situation with united …. but whatever.

so i told my therapist all of this and that i’m feeling good right now and satisfied. she acknowledged my anger and asked who wouldn’t be upset and angered with all that’s happened. she said that emotionally, i am or i have gone through a lot. i’ve divested my relationship with my brother and sister, i decided that i will not handle sibling things for my mom anymore, my relationship with my husband is evolving, i’ve moved out of a house that i’ve lived in for 3years, i’ve moved out of the peninsula - where i’ve lived for the past four years, i’ve moved into a place where there is a really stark contrast between the haves and the have nots. i mean - REALLY REALLY stark. after all, emeryville is being gentrified. i’ve moved into a more into a place that is … i guess more like the city - with all the noise and stuff. not so suburban as i’m used to … i’m starting two different businesses. one to generate supportive income and the other to grow…. what else.

she asked where is the anger coming from?

wow … that was a loaded question because as i thought about it i started to cry and feel something. i didn’t exactly know what. i think maybe from disappointment. it’s hard living with so much hope and having reality come crashing down on you. i’m disappointed that my marriage has gone the way it did. i’m disappointed that my life can be so cruel and i’m disappointed that i didn’t see what was happening in my life. i’m disappointed because i let depression affect me. i’m disappointed because i thought that i was more educated and that i could control my depression better. i guess it’s true what they say … depression takes your work, your marriage, your family and everything else away AND this year … that’s how it’s been.

there’s been so many changes in my life… changes in how i feel… changes in how i feel about things, realizations about myself … coming to grips with some of the not so perfect parts of me … understanding what drives me and wondering when i can get off my meds. or if depression will sneak into my life again as it has twice now - with a one year break.

i see the changes, i accept the changes, i’ll enjoy the changes and i will anticipate change.

as for dealing with today - shiya’s 1 year death anniversary … i’ll watch the video that i made. you can watch it too on my profile page. she was such a sweet sweet baby. uh-oh … tears. …. i guess i feel guilty. i feel like i should’ve been there when her trache busted her corotid artery - that’s the main artery that supplies blood to the brain. i feel so much guilt. i was suppose to fly down to spend time with her, but instead …. i was doing the anniversary canoeing thing. i know i shouldn’t feel guilty … how was i suppose to know, but i still do…well, it’s 7am and i’ve been awake for 3hrs now. i’m gonna get to work…