my life with depression.com

it’s funny… i was just talking to my friend steph about how lucky i am - in a sarcastic way earlier. well, i guess i’ll have to add to that list that i am truly lucky as i’ve just lost my whole address book. this is an address book of oh….. about 750 contacts for my new business…. please don’t ask me how long it took me to gather them. i will just want to cry and throw my expensive mac out the window. i feel like shit. i feel soooo lucky. to feel better, i ate chocolate. i ate 4 little halloween size reeses’s peanut butter cups and 6 hershey’s kisses. i guess they worked. i’m not feeling as bad anymore.

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i was informed that the asian population within the U.S. of A. is only a bit higher than 4%. WOW! a majority of them live on the two coasts. growing up in southern cal, i can swear that at least 95% are located there and since i’m in SF now, i can swear that the other 5% - especially the filipinos are up here. the caucasian population is 80%. who says the mexicans are taking over??? whoever said that is an idiot!

i was talking with someone about that and they brought up something interesting… it’s hard to find a good asian partner! let’s say that on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being very high standards, if someone’s standards are at an 8 or above, then it’s probably impossible to find and asian partner who will fit within those confines. if most things will fall into a bell shaped curve, then wouldn’t the 8-10s fall within the right tail and the majority in the middle with the 1-3s falling into the left tail? (i just added the bell shaped curve. i took so many statistics class and that’s all i remember … by the way, that has a p value = .000000000005 so it’s statistically significant!)

anyways, the argument goes to the whole sharing the same background thing… being able to eat the same gross ass asian dishes that others will find disgusting. i for one enjoy the disgusting foods of the asian culture. i was told of a trip where a business class took a trip to china to study different companies. one evening a group of 15 classmates decided to eat dinner. they decided on going to a hot-pot type place. at the end of that meal, only the asians and one caucasian was left. the other non-asians all decided to go elsewhere after seeing that it was a authentic restaurant and not americanized.

i don’t know…. is there more comfort in dating someone of your own race? is it easier? is dating seriously outside any better? i for one don’t care. i’ve always called myself an equal opportunist. anyone who knows me knows that i’ve “experienced the world” NOT in a slutty way, but in the boys that i went out with. boys who have adventurous tastes are found in any culture. i do recall going to the mall in daily city with my friend stacey. she wanted filipino. she knows the basic so that was cool. i ended up ordering this fried fish that i really like. stacey ended up having to cover my fish’s head because she didn’t like the fish looking at her! so funny. i guess culturally, she’s only used to fillets of fish. is that important to me - being with someone who can have the fish stare at them? i guess it would be. not that i think about it, but… maybe it’s reflects the comfort and the enjoy that i get from trying authentic and going to different restaurants that are not VANILLA. i do have to put my foot down on eating anything alive.

so, i guess back then, i dated whoever. now that i’m older and i hope a little wiser, i have standards. i spoke to my therapist about this. she said that of course i would be ‘pickier.” i’ve had a bit of life experience and know that there is such thing as reality and that reality is not a piece of cake nor is it the type of fantasy world that i used to live in. well, i added the last part. she said something else not too far from what i said.

i would list some of my preferences, but …. that’s something that i would just not rather write about.

i do have to say that i’ve gotten accustomed to a certain way of living and that i would like to try to achieve that back on my own and my partner can just add to it. is that too ambitious? after all, i am no longer living that life… and that life was that of D.I.N.Ks. that;s double-income-no-kids. and i am not a double income I AM A No-kids though… so i still might have a chance… why am i talking about money?/? because i’ve never had to worry sooooo much about it in my life!!!!!!!

this is the first time since i was 15 where i am without a paying job. that’s almost 20years!!! WOW i’m old. money is going out while money is not going in. steph told me that i am on my way and that i’m just setting up the business… but that still doesn’t change the fact that money is going out and no money is going in.

huh… no more bitching.

little did i know that my life would ever take this turn. i guess i really never imagined what my life was going to be like at 32… i knew that i was going to be a successful business woman, probably with a family…. well, if that was what i projected…. i guess i suck at projecting. oh well… what do you do. …

i wish i can fast forward to next year. i don’t feel like going through the next few months. NO. i take that back. i just watched that movie CLICK or something where the guy fast forwards his life and he ends up missing everything. damn it. i can’t even fast forward my life. sucks ass.