i had a lot, but i didn’t have a lot
Monday, November 20th, 2006
my soon-to-be-ex (S2BX) called me tonight on his way home to check up on me. he came by earlier to give me bills that i forgot to forward to my new address.
we talked a little about what i’m feeling and somehow i think he was trying to tell me that i’ll be okay because he went through whatever he went through and he’s okay now - even though i am dealing with more things. but the conversation went to drive and ambition and i don’t remember how it got there because i was teary again, OH i remember… he was saying that to get this and that in a relationship, then you have to give this and that up or you have to make a decision. and that since we got together so young, we never really got to experience being adults on our own so how could we have known what we needed. as for me … i think that i’ve always known what i wanted. i’ve just never been able to verbalize it. i think. or if i felt bad about something, then i should probably have listened to my instinct before i said “yes i’ll marry you.” i should’ve also asked the question, can i live with this arrangement for the REST OF MY LIFE??? back then, if i asked myself that question, the answer would’ve been no. if i listened to my instincts, the answer would’ve been no.
some how i was asked if i would be okay with accepting a partner who is not driven or ambitious, just living an average life. i said no. i want the life style that i have right now and the security that i had before this new life of mine. i want to live a middle to an upper middle class life. i want to live in a certain type of neighborhood amongst a certain type of people within a certain type of school district with people who have a certain type of view on the world - conservative vs. liberal vs. moderate. he argued that if i wanted all of that, then i would have to have someone who is ambitious and driven (that’s him i guess). i said that that life can be had with two incomes. whatever. i told him that i want the best of both worlds. i want that life AND i want the ambition and the drive without the person being married to his job AND i can have it all. he didn’t agree.
i explained that there ARE different degrees of A&D. on a scale of 1-10 , i said he’s a 9-9.5. he disagrees and said that if he was, then he would be higher up in the organization. #1 there are no promotions to general manager (gm) in the company. infact, they were cutting some of the positions. but some how, a position became available for him to be promoted. there has not been a gm promotion in 5 years. so he goes from being in charge of a 600 man organization to being in charge of … i forgot but it’s over 1500+ people. and somehow, that position happens to be a highly visible position. #2 within four years, he’s gone from a first line manager in operations, finance and analytics to area manager which is a second line position to a general manager which is a third line. In house, a gm is considered a director position but is held at a higher degree in an organization because of it’s higher span of control. next promotion is vice president #3 he’s only 32 and his peers are all in their late 50’s. #4 his new VP is sending him to proxy for her at the all vp meeting that are held with the organization’s president. yeah and he tells me he’s not highly A&D. whatever.
he argues that he’s lazy and that he got to where ever he is on his personality/his ability to play politics - maybe, he was after all successful in sales but i think that just contributes to it.
he then talks about how he talks with women who are in their thirties and how those women would just be happy with a guys who has A&D and they don’t care about the romance and that they are finished with dating the opposite of that. well, good for them. they are not me and i want it all. i do have to disagree with the romantic part. that’s not important if romantic is flowers and chocolates.
he talked about how those women would’ve been happy with my life because even though some things were missing, i still had a lot of my needs taken care of. well, good for them again because from the outside, it did look like all my needs were taken care of.
i told him that he couldn’t assume and say that and i couldn’t do the same to him. he is taking what HE thinks are important to him and he is transferring them over to ME. so in his eyes, yeah, i did have a lot. but i’m not him. the financial security was fine and dandy, but i also wanted to live in the present more than him. yeah, i had louis vuitton purses (don’t get me wrong … i still love them and they are beautiful, but they just sit in the closet. and i’ve been using a $100 tumi over the shoulder traveler’s bag), but i was bored. yeah i had this and that but i didn’t have the emotional support. yeah i had geese and water and ducks and things where i lived, but i didn’t have the touch and affection that was more important to me. yeah i had that and this, but my life was passing me by. i was settled down before we EVEN had kids. i was itching to move and not be so boring static.
anyways, i didn’t argue too much and i told him that we shouldn’t talk about that because we might just end up arguing and i didn’t want that.
he says he’s more balanced in living in both the present and the future. maybe… maybe not.
i ended up crying again – for this loss? maybe the missed-placed anger that i may still have? maybe the disappointment of a mis-managed relationship? maybe at the arrogance that i hated and felt he had? maybe at the ungratefulness of the sacrifices that i made for us. maybe for loving me the way he needed to be loved and not the way I NEEDED to be loved? maybe for not making my work or friends as important as his?
i’m getting intoxicated, i’m going to have that buttery popcorn that i bought from the boy scouts AND im watching TV. my goal tonight is to get fat.
i’m glad that i got a lot of work done today …
am i ambitious and driven? i don’t think so. i think i was good at faking it. he said that i am (that was what he wanted and that’s what he found in me) but now he’s saying that he doesn’t want his partner’s career to come first (mine never came first). so he’s changing his mind on wanting a partner who is (too?) ambitious. whatever.
