my life with depression.com

“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” –Jon Stewart, The Jon Stewart Show

and this is what thanksgiving is all about.

i watch borat with my dad today. it was kind of weird to watch it with your parent. it’s so blatantly sexual. being that i’m my dad’s daughter, i’m not suppose to know about stuff like that. BUT then again, either is he. we both laughed our asses of. such a funny funny film. although i laughed and laughed and laughed, i felt a bit empty inside. i don’t know why. weird. but i do have to say that i’ve not laughed that hard in — like — forever.

i think that i’m gonna go to michael’s and the home goods store to see if they have any cheap and inexpensive table top christmas trees.

i have my usual set in redwood shores and i know that my stbx wouldn’t put them up anyway. well, he’s going to be out of the country, number one, but i was always the one with the holiday spirit, number two. i hated putting up the xmas lights and tree by myself. yeah. i guess i was alone. so now… i think that i want a fresh start. i’m going to make my own alone memories with new decorations because if i’m going to deck the halls by myself, then it’s going to be of my own choice this year.

hmmm. i’m almost feeling sorry for myself. oh well. such is life. for a second there, i kinda contemplated moving back to LA. my friends are here as well as family and i can get all that support, but on the other hand… i want to prove to myself that i’m strong enough to do this on my own … even if it kills me. i guess the holidays have just made me a bit weepy and i think that i’m really feeling the crunch now and things are settling down.

i thought about whether it has anything to do with the fact that i’m not talking with either my brother or my sister and her bully-ashole-trailer trash husband. i think some of it. i’m kinda disappointed in that i tried so hard just for these ungrateful selfish mother-Fers to throw it back in my face. my brother is an ass who always punches below the belt. he told me that he hopes that i kill myself (now that’s below the belt) and about 1.5 years ago, he told me that i should tell him when i don’t take my medicine so he knows that i’m going to be a bitch. this is in shiya’s hospital room a few weeks before she died. the only reason why he was there was because this bitch forced him to see his niece so he has no regrets. this bitch is the one who lent him money when he got fired. this bitch is the one who supported him when the rest of the family got sick and tired of his lack of responsibility, this bitch is the one who listened to his work problems and made suggestions on how to handle the politics of work. whatever. for all i care, he can screw himself.

i don’t even want to get started. my sister’s life is not where my parents would’ve liked it to be given that she’s smart and beautiful, but it is where it is and she’s married to who she’s married to because of the bad decisions that she’s made. so i guess … is she beautiful - yes. is she smart … no. straight A’s in school does not guarantee anything in life i guess. between the three of us, she’s the smartest - i thought - with the best grades. next is my brother. i was last.

well, my siblings can all just kiss my ass because thinking and carrying on their merde is one of the reasons why i’m sick. and i’m sick of dealing with them.

i think that i’m just sad because everything is different and again, i’m mourning the difference. it is a good difference though. i don’t have to worry about ungrateful people anymore. they just need to pay me back the $5K that i lent them. this would be lovely as i’m planning another trip to europe. and not having my stbx has made my heart and life lighter giving me the chance to explore who i am as a person.

i have to keep thinking that things happen for a reason. i wouldn’t be able to travel like this or start a company had i gotten those jobs that i interviewed for. funny. i always get the offer when i interview. those times i didn’t and i felt somewhat crushed (ego). but now i look back… i’m glad i didn’t get the job. i’d still be in the industry (making $$$$) but being stagnant. i’d rather be broke and dynamic than rich and stagnant. or broke AND stagnant.

c’est la vie…