my life with depression.com

well, i’m not feeling very good. i’ve scheduled (finally) three appointments with three different divorce lawyers for this week. i’ve not had the motivation to do it. i’ve not wanted to do it for fear that my life would feel “heavier.”

my therapist said that they will only “lighten” the load if things are no longer nice between me and my ex. she said that i should at least know what my rights are. she asked if i thought that the reason for the ‘no action’ was due to guilt. i don’t know, but maybe. i shouldn’t feel guilty. it’s not specifically one party’s fault.

i saw him this weekend. he told me that he’s been wanting to start new too. i understand that it’s hard to go home everyday and see memories. i still do have a lot of things there. my heart goes out to him … and though i’m not trying to play the blame game and when i think logically about things, i know no one is to blame, there’s still a part of me that is still so very hurt. i don’t know why i’m surprised. of course the hurt is still there. it’s going to be there for a long time.

i’m disappointed. i’m disappointed at what became of the marriage. i’m disappointed at the circumstances that lead to whatever happened. i’m disappointed in the fact the i got depressed. i’m disappointed in his actions. i’m disappointed in mine. i’m disappointed in life. i’m disappointed in some of the decisions that i made and that he made and that we made. i’m disappointed that that i hated him for so long and that he felt whatever he felt about me for so long. people say it’s about communication, but it’s it’s so much more than that.

it’s about understanding the inner workings of the person and understanding your inner workings. it’s understanding how the two different personalities/ backgrounds/ affluence/ schooling/ expectations etc. affect one’s own reactions to the other.

i guess it’s being open enough to the other person to where you put down your discriminations to be able hear the other person crying out for help.

i guess it’s also having the courage to share your soul to a person without the fear of non-acceptance. and if non-acceptance is what you get, then maybe that person doesn’t love you for who you are.

i know that i wish i spent more time being pensive about the relationship rather than just taking it for what the surface is and going forward. things could’ve been fixed or at least some of the hurt and frustration etc. could have been avoided.

i don’t want to cry anymore.

maybe i’ll try to paint what i’m feeling. maybe that’ll help me with what i’m feeling.

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so i’m feeling better. it’s either the salad that i just had or the fact that my first client actually got responses from recruiters! i’m rather surprised as her resume sucked. but i’m glad that she got calls. just because her resume sucked doesn’t mean that she would too.

i’m sure it’s one of those because my painting - the one that my therapist says i should do more of - the type that gets inspiration from the soul and all that junk - looks like crap. i don’t know what the hell i;m doing. maybe my emotions are crap too. i don’t know… maybe it will be nicer when it’s done,…

i got up early today and went straight for the computer. i think that i’m going to take it easy right now.