my life with depression.com

christmas 2006 will go down in my memory as one that was … different. maybe lonely, but still somewhat fun.

the day before christmas, my friends and i met up and had margarita’s during our late lunch. yeah, you’ve guessed it, i was passed out when i got back to my parents house. my dad knocked on my door to tell me that people were looking for me… i was sooooo tired. so i got dressed and went down. i can’t say that i enjoyed this years party as i did last year and the years before. it was different. the family dynamics are different. our family - well, the kids - we’re in a different stage in our sibling relationship. i just feel really bad for my parents. my sister and family didn’t sleep over as they usually do. given the way things are, that’s expected … my brother didn’t even show up. that’s not unusual as he’s a jerk like that. he stayed in his room sleeping… what an ass. but i don’t care… and i’m not surprised. oh, my mom said that she spoke with my brother about what’s happening with he and i and my mom said that my brother is sorry. yeah right. he’s sorry like i can speak fluent french. AND even if he is, he can still kiss my ass. he can’t go around saying the most evil things to people and expect that they are going to forgive him. he can’t tell me that he hopes that i commit suicide or to tell him when i don’t take my meds so he knows that i’m going to be a bitch. fuck him and i feel sorry for his girlfriend as my brother is a bully just like my dumb ass brother-in-law. i don’t need to deal with people who get their strength from making others feel bad. i might have problems, but at least i’m working on mine. those two have problems and they are too oblivious to even realize… everyone knows … except for them. sad. both my siblings are going through a depression and both need more therapy than i do, but they are just ignoring it.

i feel like i bounced around during the past two days. i think that i was looking for some place where i felt at home. maybe where i belonged. i didn’t feel that anywhere. i passed by my friend lan’s house to greet her fams a merry christmas… her older brother was there… it was lovely to see him. earlier in the day, i was at angelica’s parent’s house in diamond bar. i took a shower there … long story. her parents told me to come to their party that evening … but neither of those two houses felt right. my parent’s house didn’t feel right either.

we were missing 3 people from our family. drew-drew because he was at hector’s, my brother because he’s just like that and darian. the change was hard. i finally felt right at home when everyone went home and the only people left were my parent’s and uncle nilo and auntie vilma. uncle nilo and i had a long talk. i really appreciated what he had to say about things. i’m glad that they are my parent’s best friends. i love them and auntie vil has always said that i’m their daughter too and that even if there are things that i can’t tell my parents, she said that i can tell her … like the time when i went to philly without my parents knowing. she said that i should’ve told her in case of emergency…

we all slept late. i woke up late. i wasn’t ready for mom to wake me up at 11:15. i don’t know why i said that i would go with them to auntie vil’s niece’s house. so we all carpooled to irvine. i actually had fun in the car with them. i was the baby this morning. i sat in the very back, mom and auntie vil in the middle with penny’s car seat and uncle nilo and pops were in the front. i sat there joking along with them and laughing at the stories that they shared, oh boy … crying time…. that’s the only time i think that i really felt happy. i loved seeing them interact… i loved the fact that my dad was laughing and mom was being mom and auntie vil was being tough and uncle nilo was being mean to auntie vilma… it was normal when nothing else this christmas is normal. and big fat cry baby myra is back again…. the girls were talking about the last time they went to these people’s house in irvine. it was around last christmas at night and they got lost. uncle nilo and my dad - being men - acted like men - thought that they could figure it out. they kept turning and making a left and a right and a left and a right never getting on the right street… but in the meantime, my mom and auntie vil were in the back laughing their asses off at the guys! they said that while the men were being men and getting even more lost, they were in the back enjoying the christmas lights on people’s yards… it was really funny in the car.

so we had lunch at the soler’s niece’s house. she’s a statistician for biotechs and i think her husband is some type of doctor. really nice couple with an awkward 10 year old son. lunch was fun, but when other people came, i gave up my seat at the dining table so the adults can all hang out. big mistake. i got stuck talking with this 27 year old girl about relationships and investing strategies … and she kept wanting to know more … she was nice and everything, but i would’ve just rather been by myself. i did get a phone number of a spa where i can get $40 massages in LA. the neighborhood is kinda sketchy, but i’m sure that’s why you pay $40 and it’s probably not like the spas that i go to… i’ll have to force a girlfriend to go with me … NO! i’ll force my friend steve to go with me… he, lani and i used to get massages together… well, not together in one room, but at the same time in the same place.

so i didn’t feel like i belonged there. i went to toby’s xmas party in the evening. i love his dad and his dad loves me. too bad i don’t like his son that way … i think that he would make a great father in law. he was my 8th grade boyfriend. it was cool… he was president of the student body and i was his vice president … we were the school’s favorite couple next to nicki and … oh … what’s his name. but he broke my poor 8th grade heart. through the years, we had … steamy make out sessions, but nothing ever became of it. and now, i still find him highly attractive, but he’s a male slut and he will fuck anything that has a hole. ooh that’s vulgar, but it’s true. he and i have this weird friendship though. it’s like we’re best friends but we are not. i can’t explain it. he confides in me about things like his jealousy over … well, it’s not my story to tell. but anyways, i think that i’m his connection to his filipino side since he is soooooooooooooooooooooooooo american. he’s 1/4 filipino, 1/4 mexican and 1/2 swedish or norwegian or something. well, i didn’t feel at home there either. i did see an old friend - jason loya. i haven’t seen him since … 1992. he looks the same, but more slim and his wife is pregnant. she’s lovely. i didn’t stay long and just showed my face. he told me to come back later in the evening, but i didn’t. i didn’t want to make superficial conversations and i did want “sales person” myra to have to work.

went to my mom’s younger brother’s house. this is the one with the 3 brainy but still really really hip cool kids. i love that family, but even tonight i didn’t feel like i belonged. i know i do, but there was this feeling that i can’t put words to. auntie cherrie always cooks delicious food and tonight is no different. the parentals and the solers left along with julie, matt and penny. my cousin (he just moved to southern cal), his wife and i were left. staying was a big mistake as i ended up singing karaoke with them. it was fun and i really enjoyed myself. we got to do some cousin bonding. i can’t sing any more, but his wife has a beautiful voice.

during this trip … i was confronted with the contents of my blog. i didn’t like how that made me feel. i felt naked and i felt like my privacy was intruded upon and i felt like i had to justify myself - which i don’t have to to anyone. i’m contemplating whether i should keep this up. this is part of my therapy, but i don’t have to post it. only close friends have talked to me about my posts. that’s okay with me because they know me and i trust and share with them.

duh. this is a blog that’s open to people to read, but this is where i want it to stay. i want it to stay in cyber space. my purpose for this blog is so people can get educated on depression. so people know that depression takes away everything of yours. your job. your husband. your family. your life. EVERYTHING. i’ve lost everything. sometimes it’s a good thing. sometimes it’s not. but i have lost everything - except my parents. some of the things i lost is my decision and some weren’t. my story is also one of renewal. starting over again… and moving forward. of getting professional help rather than just “sucking it up” or maybe even ignoring the problem. and it’s also a place for people to learn about some of life’s little lessons that i bump into along the way.

people are welcome to read this blog, but please don’t discuss the contents of this as if it’s a tv series. don’t judge me because i’m sure you’re doing something that is just as bad or worse. don’t talk to my parents about this because it’s none of your business. it’s mine. it’s my life and they are my parents. you can however talk about depression and get it out of the closet so it’s no longer a taboo. talk about depression as if you would talk about diabetes or high blood pressure. recognize the symptoms before it’s too late for someone. so they don’t kill themselves like my cousin did last year. so it get’s treated the first time because when it’s treated right the first time, chances are lower for a relapse. i wasn’t treated properly the first time. think about your own relationship and stop going through the motions. stop blaming the other person because you are just as responsible.