my life with depression.com

the deal with iraq is one of the many things that makes me embarrassed to be an american. i guess i’ve never really realized how america is seen outside of america. not until the last few years. i’ve traveled outside of the states before, but i don’t think that you can call mexico and canada “leaving the u.s.” besides, that was when i was a kid and all i cared about was using the little spanish that i knew.

as an adult, during the few times that i traveled abroad, i felt this american “superiority” come over me. it was disgusting, but i didn’t know any better. i just saw it as being proud of the culture and the way of life that i identified with and what knew. i guess i was just emulating the way my country sees itself in the world.

my first trip without the parentals was when my eyes were really opened. i had the chance to talk with people of my generation from other countries. that’s when i realized that … hey, maybe the american way of life is not necessarily the best. certainly as a world power it is, but i guess to get something you have to give up another. something that i am really starting to learn.

i guess you can’t have everything all the time.

we are the richest country, yet we still have many people who live way below the poverty line. we still have people who do not get healthcare. i as a person who is not opting to work for a corporation right now have to deal with what the hell i will do about health insurance. if i’m not bringing in any money right now, can i afford to pay $400-$600 for my health? (especially now that i have a history of depression on record, insurance companies might not want to give me paid services for mental health now… ) so what does that leave me?

for those who never thought about it … that leaves me with two options. i can get medi-cal from the state .. this option is out as i have too many assets or i can keep getting it from my STBX. he pays $35 dollars on top of his monthly for my health insurance. once the divorce is final, i will no longer be ‘his wife.’ that means that i can no longer be covered under him. that means that i will have to go on the mandated c.o.b.r.a. benefit that offers me the insurance that i used to get as his wife, but that i will have to pay for. he can no longer pay the $35 on top of his and his company will no longer subsidize the rest. i will be in charge of paying for it all. I CAN STILL HAVE insurance, but for $400+. oh and that will only last up to 18 months.

so now, should i stay married just for that? i guess there’s also the option of being “legally separated.” that’s almost like being divorced, but you are not. this is an option for people who have religious restrictions on divorce or for health insurance sake. everything is divided and you don’t live together anymore, but you are still married and you cannot marry another unless you both file for a divorce.

so if you were me … and you have to take medicine and see your doctor and you already pay cash for your therapist which by the way is $600 a month already … what would you do?

become a prostitute? that option was already suggested to me by friends, but i had to say no to it. i’ve since gained weight and being petite, any increase in weight makes me look bigger–faster. i don’t think boys want “bigger” prostitutes. besides, that’s not an option.

anyways, i meant to write about something else but this is how it turned out … here’s what initiated this post:

In France, Anti-Americanism is an old story and largely irrelevant to French policymaking. …. When Americans disparage and alienate France, they do America itself a disservice. Paris may no longer be “the burning lens of Western civilization”, as Koestler called it half a century ago, but it has contrived today -for the first time in many decades and largely by good fortune- to position itself as the representative of a large, if loose, coalition of nations and peoples. When Americans pusue a vendetta against France, the world is looking on. And in the eyes of the world, it is America, not France that looks foolish. …” writes Tony Judt, from New York University, in Newsweek October 6, 2003.

luckily the french are not wagging their finger saying … i told you so .. in regards to iraq -that is…