my life with depression.com

i’ve been looking into relationships and i found this to be interesting in that my therapist said that it sounded like i was lonely in my ‘family’ of two:

[i’ve placed (*) next to the ones that i agree with]

1.

MYTH: Loneliness Myth that marriage will end our loneliness.

*REALITY: Many married people are still very lonely.

being in a relationship doesn’t mean the end of loneliness. i should know. loneliness is not a physical thing. it’s a mental thing. maybe i should say it’s either/or or it’s both. at least from my experience.

3/4 divorces are initiated by women because of this reason. i guess i was one of them - well this among other reasons …

2.

MYTH: Fulfillment Fallacy which makes us believe that being married makes us complete human beings.

*REALITY: A couple complements one another, not completes one another.

i used to believe in this completing thing too. but if you think about it, for a person to complete you, that person has to be the other 50% thus making you two totally different! having more similarities is better than having more differences. just my thoughts

3.

MYTH: Marriage Is for Everyone.

*REALITY: There are a lot of unmarried people who are extremely happy.

i guess you can’t fit everyone into one specific category.

4.

MYTH: Monogamy Myth makes a couple believe that they are the only ones who are dealing with infidelity or that it only happens to bad or weak people.

REALITY: It is a societal issue that needs to be openly addressed so that monogamy becomes more attainable for more people.

5.

MYTH: Romance will always be alive in a good marriage.

REALITY: Nearly all relationships experience peaks and valleys. The everyday problems and challenges of married life can often cloud over romantic feelings. This is when making the decision to love is important.

what the hell is the meaning of romance anyway? that sounds so … unrealistic … i’ve long forgotten it. sad to say. i always say that i don’t expect it anymore as i don’t feel guys think that it’s at all important, but the little girl in me still desires and craves it. and i can’t help but think that someone out there still wants to sweep me off of my feet - at least just for a little while. i used to do alot of ‘little’ romantic things for boys but found it was never reciprocated back so i would stop and my heart would hurt. maybe i should’ve just moved on until someone appreciated such things rather than staying those two years - or shit marrying them! maybe that’s why ‘love presents’ were always so important to me. stupid boys did ‘t even realize that they didn’t have to spend money. they just needed to show me that they were thinking of me. stupid stupid boys.

am i playing victim? if i am, then i take all of that back!

6.

MYTH: Marriage makes people happy.

*REALITY: We can’t expect our spouse to be our one source of happiness. Our personal happiness must come from within ourselves. Marriage can complement our own individual happiness but it can’t be the primary source.

this is what i’m learning by spending time alone by myself. to only depend on me for personal happiness. have i got a handle on it yet?/? hell NO! sucks being alone!

7.

MYTH: We won’t have major problems if we truly love one another.

*REALITY: A good marriage doesn’t just happen. It takes nurturing and work.

ignoring something or letting work overshadow the marriage or letting the marriage come 2nd hurts not only your spouse but also yourself and then eventually your performance at work. a happy healthy home, makes for a happier healthier work environment (most of the time)

8.

MYTH: My spouse should know my needs without my saying anything.

*REALITY: Just because we’re married doesn’t mean we can read minds. We have to tell our spouses what our needs are.

this is total bullshit. we all have a certain expectation that if our partner loves us and cares about us, then they should know us and our needs. the problem with this is that our needs change and we change according to what’s happening in our life and according to what we’ve just experienced. needs are never static, but always dynamic. like, just because i liked cloths with polka dots back in the 1980s doesn’t mean that i will LOVE to wear them again this year - even if the 80’s are coming back!

i guess the hard part is actually telling our partner what our needs are. maybe we have to compromise and we also have to ask our partners what their needs are too! maybe writing about your feelings in a diary might be a good way to keep track of your feelings. as for me, i just can’t verbalize them. i have to keep talking and talking about something until it - ding ding ding ding ding - hits me! i found that writing is a quicker way for me to understand myself - or - don’t think me strange - talking to myself in the car and rationalizing it.

9.

MYTH: Conflict means a lack of love.

*REALITY: Conflict happens in every marriage. Fighting fair and for the relationship, and not just to “win” is healthy in a marriage.

oh boy this is a biggy (a big one). my personality is one that hates conflicts. i’m a flower child … a hippy of some sort - love love love smile smile smile — but get me fighting AND I’M TAKING YOU DOWN LIKE THE JAPANESE TOOK DOWN PEARL HARBOR!

is that bad?

i have noticed that i’ve chilled out. i’ve learned that i have to pick my battles and that i can’t fight every war, but which ones do i pick???

i guess i have to remember that conflict / fights is just two people with differing opinions and that neither is right or wrong. it’s a matter of understanding the other person and trying to find a common ground. YEAH RIGHT! easier said than done…

HHHMMMMM i think i should probably keep reading this part so i remember it during relationship fights.