my life with depression.com

my STBX called this afternoon to let me know that he’s back from korea and to greet me a happy new year. he told me that it was a good trip. not that it was ‘fun’ but that it was a good learning experience for him. he got to learn more about his dad and who is dad is, his family back ‘home’ and what makes him who he is.

we talked about his cousin jun. he’s the one who got married on christmas eve. stbx told me that when jun proposed to his wife, it also came with the understanding that if she said yes, she would have to quit her job. by the way, she has a really really really really good career with dot-com company sun micro systems. she wanted to attended an american church so that she could interact with other cultures, he said no. she wanted this and that … he said no, but yet she accepted and decided that having a family and kids was more important for her. oh, she also had to move to hong kong because that is where jun’s company has located him. the central focus is to be his career and what he wants to become in life. this boy has a lot of talent. he’s that smart and to prove that he is, stanford offered him a full scholarship for his phd in geo-something-something-something. he had companies lined up before you could even say ‘un-yun-hiss-se-oh / cum-sa-ham-ni-da.”

we both agreed that in the western world, this relationship is doomed. i could not fully agree that this marriage is not doomed from the start though this is common place in korea. after all, she’s a woman of the 21st century. the world is small and times are changing. i told stbx that even though she is giving up a lot, if she doesn’t get the three basics, then she will leave and this relationship is over.

#1 to be loved (and all that it means like a husband who is attentive, considerate … etc)
#2 to be respected (including support…)
#3 to be the most important even above the man’s career

well, this started a whole conversation on ‘us.’

i basically told him that i resented him and that a huge part of me hated him. i told him that i gave up everything for him. family. life, career, friends etc. and i only asked for three things: to be loved. to be respected. and to be more important than work. i guess, in the end. these are the reasons why i left. i gave up everything to get nothing in return.

this is why i feel victimized and under-appreciated. this is why i am so easily able to drop him, my sister and my brother. because i tried my best, i supported them only for it to be thrown it in my face.

well, this conversation with the stbx was different and it ended different. i don’t hate him anymore and i don’t resent him anymore. he’s finally realized his part in the break down of the relationship. he apologized for the pain and hurt that he’s caused and that it’s because he’s a troubled soul. it all boiled down to this:

- difficult up bringing = hating who he was = trying to escape from himself :. focused on trying to be someone else other than himself = not focused on anything else + not even me :. he couldn’t appreciate or enjoy anything in his life - like me or his parents or his career or what he’s accomplished :. he is not able to notice any sacrifices or support that i’ve done/given (for) him —- but when he does get glimpses or realizations, he would want to return it, but that means he would have to face himself. how can he when he is trying to run from who he is = procrastination on self improvement :. never appreciating me or supporting me + blaming me rather than accepting what he is doing = trying to escape from himself = he just hoped that i would do something to fix everything = he hates himself for hurting me and putting me through the pain.

all this time, i sank deeper and deeper into depression feeling abandoned and lonely not understanding what i was doing wrong - my self-esteem shrinking and shrinking.

he said he guesses that my leaving answered his prayer for me to fix everything. it made him realize that he needs to face himself or risk hurting other people as he has with me.

he apologized. i cried from the deepest parts of my soul for about 2 hours.

i told him that i no longer hated him nor did i resent him. he said i should hate him for what he’s done to me. i said i couldn’t because i truly love him.

he didn’t want to share his revelations with me for fear of upsetting me further. i told him that i needed to hear this and he needed to share in order for us to move forward and to heal.

i think that his not appreciating me and telling me that any and all of his success was all because of him as if i was just a silent partner are what hurt me the most. those statements broke my heart since they really underscored who i was to him in the relationship.

he acknowledges that i did my best with what i had. he said that he doesn’t hate me nor is he mad at me. he’s just mad at himself for causing the breakdown and hopes to find improvements in this new year. i hope to just find peace and love and to be able to rebuild without hurting anyone along the way.

ps. i’d like to introduce FRENCHIE, someone very special to me who along with a few others supported me throughout 2006. thank you.

FOR MORE select the following:
new years 2007
a wish for peace in the new year
filipino in the hiz e house
how women pick mates vs flings
the center of the family. the nucleus
under a rock
no more
done
emergency session
i hate crying
thank god for moms
relationship with friends who are family
some motivation finally
the my future
comedy relief
freaky weather
bills ‘n bills ‘n bills
motivation
decisions