my life with depression.com

emergency therapist session

Tuesday, January 9th, 2007

i had an emergency session with my therapist today. that’s the second one since last thursday when i saw her. i guess if you count, i’ve seen her almost every other day.

i just don’t know how much more pain i can take. i’ve been crying on and off everyday and i’m tired of being raw. i just wish that i can disappear. i don’t mean kill myself. just disappear for awhile. have a vacation from my life. my therapist asked if i’ve been thinking about suicide. i told her i wasn’t. and i’m not. i have just been thinking about not being around. of everything going away. of just being in peace. i just want all the feelings to go away! i just can’t do it any more and i’m getting tired.

i’ve been feeling like just spending all my savings without worrying about the future.

and when the future comes, well, i guess the future comes.

she says that i’m just in a deep state of grief and that i’m grieving the relationship. i’m grieving for the person who knows me inside and out. who knows the things and has seen the things that i don’t want other people to see or to know about. the person that i used to go with to get tapsalog at ong pin in daly city. the times we used to just go to ucla to get some mongolian stir fry. when things used to be easier and before they got so god damn complicated!!!! the person who used to bring yoshinoya at 10 at night after his mba class. she says i’m just grieving. i hate grieving. i don’t think i’ve ever done it before. i’ve never felt like this before. god it hurts sooo fuck’in much.

when i said that there’s a lot to miss, she reminded me that although there are those, i was also left alone and i was lonely and it drove me to ……. even though i don’t have all of that … at least now i’m living on my own terms. i don’t have to worry about his not being able to give me the intimacy that i need and i don’t have to worry about his not wanting to bring down the wall to be able to give me the intimacy. i guess he would just as soon loose me before bringing down his thick ass wall and let me in.

i understand why he wants a sooner divorce than our june date. it’s just the way he works. he’s not the type who can move forward with things still hanging around unfinalized. i guess this inflexibility contributed to things too. i know that i’m one who can live with more ’surprises’ but i’d like to think that i’ve tried hard to come to the middle to meet him half way. but he always wanted me to move more to his polar side. i guess he’s asking me to end his pain … but now, i’ll be facing the future by myself and the thought of that scares me. i am truly frightened of the future without him.

i’ve never been on my own. i’m afraid to go back to living like a 20 year old. i’m afraid of failure. i;m afraid that this pain will never go away and the only way to get rid of it is to … i don’t even want to think about it.

GOD! why??? what did i ever do…all i’ve ever tried to do is support my parents. try to help them take care of my brother and sister. i loved my husband. supported him and let him be a man. i tried to be kind to people and follow the rule of treat thy neighbors… i tried to live with a light heart … am being punished?

this is how i’m feeling right now:

and this is what i want: PEACE

i told her that i just wanted to buy or rent an apartment and move to paris for half a year and study french until i’m fluent. she asked me why can’t you? hmmmm why can’t i? if i have to start over and rebuild, why can’t i do it somewhere else? away from everyone….

to follow this disagreement on how to support me on this time of need:

1. no more
2. done
3. emergency therapist session
4. relationship with friends who are family