the (my) future
Saturday, January 13th, 2007
i’m sitting here and i’m thinking about my near future. you know … i’m deciding what my 5 - 10- 15 year plans should be. i’m looking at five year for now and i’m freaking out!
i’ll be 33 in two months (that’s MARCH 25TH - I wear a petite 1 and size 37.5 or 7.5 size shoes) and +5 would make me 38! my parents are right. “you’re not getting any younger.” my dad just told me recently that he wants more grandkids.
i would want at least two kids. i’ve experienced what the life of an only child can be through my S2BX’s eyes - ESPECIALLY when your parents are divorced! when will i have my first child? when will i have my second? will i still be fertile or will i become barren soon?
gosh … back then, when i was planning my life, it seemed like there was more time to have a successful career, house b4 30, married by 30, kids two years later, multi-property before 35. back then it was okay to plan all of that. i reached the financial goals early, but there was so much time when you are 24 … 25 years old. but when almost 10 years has past, all that time seems to have disappeared and i will be 33 in two months.
so now what? i don’t want to have my second child when i’m 40. i wouldn’t want to marry only after knowing someone for a year … i should have my first child by 37. that means i’d have to get pregnant at 36 married by 34. probably start trying mid-35. so that only gives me 2 years from now to date. HOLY MOLY!! no! that’s one year! wait a second… is that right? no. not enough time.
33 … get married at 35 … start trying to get pregnant at mid-36. pregnant by 37. give birth at 38. then what? try for number 2 at 39? pregnant at 40? give birth at 41??
what the hell am i doing? i’ve been thinking so much about today - something totally opposite of my always thinking about the future - that i’ve forgotten to even think about the future.
how much am i willing to give up for all of that to happen sooner? i’ve been postponing ’starting’ a family for … forever! it doesn’t seem like i will be able to continue doing that. god! everything is all f*ched up!
what am i gonna do? maybe i should’ve listened to S2BX when he wanted to get pregnant. he thought that it would be great for me. it would give me purpose since i never felt fulfillment in my job as he did.
maybe that would’ve changed our relationship. maybe seeing an extension of him would’ve helped pull him out of himself so that he could’ve been more emotionally available to me. maybe his coming out of himself would’ve helped me pull out of my depression and maybe he would’ve gained more appreciation for me. especially as a mother…
i’m watching the wedding crashers right now and a good quote was just said. let me rewind and listen to it again:
we have no way of knowing what lays ahead of us in the future.all we can do is to use the information at hand to make the best decision possible.
can i grow stronger and independent now that he’s realized what’s happened and now that he’s validated my feelings? will we be able to rebuild our trust? a lot of people seem to think that people can change. how much do i need him to change… would that be realistic?
OR do i take a chance?
both have big question marks ahead of them. but what is one to do? ten years later when i’m 43, where do i want to be? do i want to be a mother of a 1 or 2 year old? maybe i’ll have a nanny … well, i know that i will because that’s what i want and i’m only marrying someone who will agree to it. will i need one though? the 40’s IS suppose to be the new 30’s after all.
what if i marry someone younger … say 7 years younger … then what… i retire in my 60’s and he’s still in his 50’s NOT retired??? given that men die sooner than women, at least i wouldn’t be widowed for too long … where are these thoughts coming from? someone younger is not settled in his career too. can a person like that provide for what i want/need for me and my (our) children? would i be trying to merge the lives of a 20-something year old and a 30-something year old? someone in their 20’s is still in the building stage while someone in their 30’s is taking wider strides and they should know who they are … i know that a 30 year old can be immature, so that’s not a case to be made against or pro - either one. besides, boys in their 30’s are usually settled or are just starting to settle down with a family.
how about going older? ummm i never really thought about that. i’ve never went out with anyone who was more than two years older than me. that would feel weird. many of them already have children and has the ex-wife to deal with. my life is already complicated and i don’t think that i want it to get even more complicated. it’s seems that if they’ve never married, maybe they either have commitment problems, are the bachelor type … or they have been ‘boys’ too long. people might not understand what i’m saying, but right now, it’s making sense to me. bear with me here….
man… i’ve been so caught up on being a ‘daughter’ (of my S2BX) who has just received all of her freedom and living in the moment that i’ve not even thought about the reality of tomorrow. i guess maybe i’m starting to slow down and i’m starting to look long term again….
FOR MORE select the following:
new years 2007
a wish for peace in the new year
filipino in the hiz e house
how women pick mates vs flings
the center of the family. the nucleus
under a rock
no more
done
emergency session
i hate crying
thank god for moms
relationship with friends who are family
some motivation finally
the my future
comedy relief
freaky weather
bills ‘n bills ‘n bills
motivation
decisions
