my life with depression.com

decisions

Sunday, January 21st, 2007

related topic:

i’m sad again. i cried earlier. mom says that she doesn’t know how to talk to me. she’s afraid that i might get upset. (she says that my brother feels that way too) i told her that she doesn’t upset me. in fact, talking with mom brings me back to earth. to get real world perspective and i know that she loves me. she says that she feels helpless about my future. moms always want the best for their kids. i told her that I”M THE ONE who has to live that future. she says yeah, but you get choices and she can’t do anything to make my future better - for both of our sakes. i wish mom can just make everything better.

mom makes me think about the future but in a realistic … i guess maybe pragmatic way. every time i’m on the phone with her, i feel safer for some reason. i don’t know what it is, but i get this feeling that comes over me … is it comfort? i don’t know. i can’t put words to those feelings. i get them even when i’m crying on the phone with her. i know she wants to protect me from getting hurt and from suffering. and again, i wish that she can. damn these tears. my glasses are fogging up again. i’m so tired of wiping the tears of of them.

the parentals are really worried for/about me. i wish that they wouldn’t be. i’m sure i’ll be okay. my mom just doesn’t want me to loose everything that i worked so hard for. i understand what she means. i don’t either.

my therapist gave me some things to think about last thursday:

i’m on MY highway now. i’m no longer in S2BX’s lane being controlled by which ever way he wants to go. i need to stay on my highway to be happy. relationships (boys) can come come and go in my highway, but i should never follow them to theirs.
what are MY needs? (if you know what they are, can you give me a clue?)

update: CLICK HERE

what is the lifestyle that i want. do i want someone who will allow me to stay at home with our munchkins so that i can pursue my own business? do i want to eventually become an executive wife or am i comfortable being married to a first line or second line manager (middle management) and that life style. do i still want to wear that suit and have that life? or will i be okay doing something else - with someone directly over me and without flexibility in my day like the way i used to. okay. i can answer no to the boss thing. do i want to be able to collect property until i have at least 10? i want to do what my auntie nelly did. she owned 25 and she managed them. do i want a husband who works a lot and is never home or do i want him to be 9-5. do i want to have someone who enjoys going outside of the house to do whatever - to go for a walk and see things. do i want someone who plays golf sundays and i will really have saturday with him since he’s working all week. well, that might not be so bad since i play a little golf.

and then after all that he also has to be someone i’m attracted to and he has to be a person who will encourage me to be me. i need a relationship with someone who will work hard to come to the middle so neither of us are not ourselves. (this happened to me with S2BX) OH! and he has to be more like my dad. not all ‘machismo’ ‘tough’ ‘mean’ ‘pushy’ ‘not involved with our munchkins’ … i want someone that i can see gardening. someone who is affectionate - EVEN after 10 years+ of being married. someone with a young heart but an wise mind. one who has a real thirst for knowledge…. etc.
she asked me if S2BX still wants to try to work things out. i told her what or how he is, but i couldn’t say 100% if he does or not. even i can’t say it’s 100% anymore. she wants me to have that conversation with him. it doesn’t mean that we won’t go our separate ways. it just means that we’ve sat down. no walls. no barriers. (i’ve always wanted that intimacy) someone who will be stripped naked of the walls that we all keep to keep ourselves from getting hurt. (S2BX never let me in) i crave it now. i just want to feel that i am held close to someone’s heart and cherished and loved.

then she wants me to make a decision. my choices are

divorce him

she said that these are my two choices. stay or leave. the decision is not: S2BX or other boy(s)/dating … she painted a picture for me. one foot in a boat that’s about to set sail and the other on the pier. do i want to jump into the boat or go back to the pier? either way, i have to make a decision because if i don’t, then i will drowned.

sailboat and pier