my life with depression.com

i’m sitting here perusing monster.com and i am experiencing the same thing that i experienced when first looking for a career. Five years of experience required. i don’t have to worry about that if i go back to pharmaceutical sales, but i think doing to would increase my anxiety and stress levels again and may cause me to get sick again. so i am here looking into doing something else and i am encountering that - again. i wish i had more of a training background or i wish that i was able to pursue a management position in the past, but with the way things were in the relationship, i had to stay in sales for the flexibility of moving around for S2BX’s career. being in either management or training meant a stint in corporate office meaning he would have to move for me. which although he always said that he would move if my opportunity was going to be the best for us in the end. it seemed his climbing the corporate ladder was more realistic - as he had already started the assent up.

well, this leaves me with a bit of a problem - doesn’t it? how am i suppose to get a marketing position or a training position when i was never able to get it? it’s difficult because even if i am able to find an entry level position (yeah! right. up against a straight out of college -less expensive- grad) my standard of living will go back down to someone who is just starting out.

god! i’m so frustrated. women are always the ones getting screwed!!!! although S2BX said i can have whatever i want, i doubt that when it comes down to giving me at least what’s legally mine, he will be sore and not as easy going. i know him and i know how he feels about “his” money. sometimes i wonder if he really sees the sacrifices that i made for “us” and how those sacrifices have put me at a really big disadvantage now that we are no longer together. i wonder if he will be willing to lower his 401k contributions to help me get myself back up on my feet again? or is he not willing to sacrifice for me, after all the sacrifices i’ve made for him.

and after a bit more than a month later … the tears start to roll down again. i guess i can’t run away from the feelings. being in the beautiful city of paris only helped me to forget it for a moment.