more realizations
Thursday, February 22nd, 2007
yes. that’s my alarm clock from this morning. i woke up even earlier than yesterday. F*ck! i guess it’s just as well. it’s raining outside this morning and i have an 11am appointment with my psychiatrist. she’s about 40 miles away from me. hummmm. i have to foot another $126. she’s the one that i started with and she is not part of the kaiser network which my S2BX is part of. luckily i’m only seeing her about every 2-3 months just for a med-check.
talking about S2BXes … mine called me last night. we couldn’t touch base as soon as i arrived, but we were able to last night. we talked for a long time. at first the conversation was about the florida property. since it’s not being sold, we had to talk about what we needed to do about finding a new renter and contracting a property management company to manage it. he said that if we did sell right now, we would loose our investment of $40k AND more. i never wanted to sell in the first place, but he’s got this thing about cutting ties and going forward. i understand. with a renter … we would be -$1000 ever month. let’s say we hold for another 3 years, that’s a “loss” of only $36K. That’s still less than the $40K+ if we sell now. selling now would not only cause a huge $$$ loss, but also the leverage of the equity and the loss of any equity that can be built. not to forget about the tax deductions that would be missed!
i brought up the lawyer and about getting the list of financial info so she can do an analysis. by the way …. NEVER SHARE A DIVORCE LAWYER - he said that we didn’t have to because he thinks that i will be very happy with what he WANTS to give me. he even mentioned something about the sacrifices that i’ve made to help him get to where he is. he wants me to get back on my feet…. etc. i’m still guarded because the last time he said that … i was getting screwed royally.
i had a sushi lunch with kevin yesterday. it wasn’t a long lunch as he had a busy day. anyways, we talked about stocks and how he invested so and so amount of money in so and so stock that doubled. i wanted to buy it too, but the price was $75+ each. oh well… oh so anyways, he was talking about my johnson and johnson stocks. I DON’T EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT because i don’t need to get upset. mental note: when you have stocks for $17each and they are worth $60+ each … don’t let your S2BX talk you into selling. I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
anyways, we talked more about the divorce. he and i both agreed that for us to grow … this is something we both need to do. i’m sure his reason is legit too, but it seems that he just doesn’t want to work hard on it. not that it matters to me because while in paris, i became closer to being 100% surer than prior to the trip. (i had fear of the unknown and making the wrong decision) aside from the questions that i have to answer from this “decision” post, i have to first think about what is the most important for me to grow.
that answer is independence. then the question is what kind of independence. there are different degrees after all. my therapist said that you can still be independent even within a relationship, but for me, after being in THIS particular relationship PLUS never having any full independence EVER of my own, the kind that i need is full independence.
i need to be able to make decisions about my future without bending to another person’s. i need to learn how to live on my own and to support my own self. i think one of my biggest fears is failure in that last part. but for me to be able to build my strength, confidence etc. i have to be secure with the knowledge that i can be independent.
having this confidence will help me in the next relationship. i won’t be so easily persuaded, i will know where to draw the line and i will know what i’m willing to accept and do and what i’m not. it’s as simple as that.
my dad raised the three of us (siblings) to be independent. to never depend on someone so that we have to stay married to them. i think aside from the monetary independence that he wanted us to have, i think that mental independence is also important. does that make sense?
anyways, this is getting to be like my old posts: a book. it’s funny. i enjoy talking with S2BX on the phone more than in person. i think seeing him still brings out a lot of stuff that i am still working on. maybe i need to take something that will relax me prior to my seeing him so i’m not all wound up.
