my life with depression.com

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i am so tired. i’ve just gotten home and it’s just a bit past 3 am. i swear that i’m way too old for clubbing - dancing - drinking margarita’s — whatever. i am hella tired. i had a really great day today. though i fought with my S2BX. i’m gonna sleep. i’m too tired. bonne nuit … good night.

………………………………………………………………

obviously i woke up late this morning. it’s so cold in my loft. this is the first time that i had to turn on the fireplace - it’s a gas one and not a real one. yesterday was interesting and full of emotions.



first, S2BX came over to drop mail off and papers that needed to be signed. our conversation about our florida rental property brought about a conversation that probably should not have occurred or lasted for that long. i am happy thought that we had it. we argued about what we need to do now in-order to preserve our future relationship - after all, he’s my best friend and i grew up with him … i guess we are both trying to do what we think is right (money wise) to make sure that this issue doesn’t cause any problems in the near and far future. while in a heated conversation that he wanted to shut down, i felt a little bit of my strength shine when i told him that by doing so, he was trying to control the situation. when he asked me why we even needed to talk about …. blah blah blah, i should’ve just said “cause i want to” but stupid me didn’t, but at least i shared what bothered me and i didn’t bottle it up and accumulate only to explode later. (i was really affected by a conversation that i had with FRENCHIE about this and i think that by doing this, not only do i give myself voice, but the other person isn’t blind-sided by an explosion of my anger … feelings …. or whatever else) oh, so he got mad of course. i gave him a call on my way into san francisco to say that i didn’t like the way our visit ended and that although i was retaliating for what i felt was an attack on me, i also said that it wasn’t to intentionally fully hurt him, but to let him know what i was feeling so that when we really talk about important stuff, i am talking with a clear head and not with loaded emotions. he appreciated that call.



during the conversation in my loft, he told me that i gave up on our relationship and that he just kept on trying. i addressed this on the telephone. i told him that i was not the only one who gave up. he also gave up along time ago. he’s told me that he allowed me to develop an emotional intimacy with someone else. he was fully aware of what was slowly happening and he was glad that i was getting it because i wasn’t getting it from him. we both took the easy way … my therapist explains that i was really lonely.



MY DIVORCE CAUSING EQUATION

differences in:

the enjoyment of money after responsibilities are met
+

control level needs
+

depression and the lack of understanding and support
=

lack of intimacy (mental AND physical)

last night, a doctor friend of mine with whom i went salsa dancing told me not to over analyze things and when you feel like someone fits you like a glove, you should run with it because life is too short. he should know. he sees death more than me. i totally understood what he was saying.



LIFE’S CHECK OFF LIST

i was checking off all the wrong boxes …

…………………………………………………………………………………………………
√ perfect, driven, motivated professional husband
√ two careers + $100k/year x 2 = ‘yuppies’
√ house before 30 - with a white picket fence in a sterile community
√ fat retirement funds and savings
√ engaged at 29 happened earlier
√ married at 30 happened earlier
- kids two years later at 32
- retire
- grandkids
- death



my checklist should’ve looked more like:

………………………………………………………………………………………………….
- a partner who is a partner in every way
√ am i healthy
- am i more filled with happiness and not bitterness, anger, resentments etc.
√ do i smile more than i cry but not the last 4-5 years
- am i getting my most important emotional needs satisfied
- am i respected in the relationship and do i feel it
- do we enjoy similar things
- do we see the world in similar ways
√ are our goals parallel only our money goals paralleled
- do we enjoy life at similar levels
- are our definition of happiness similar
- am i getting the affection and intimacy that i need

(i don’t exactly remember what he said because of the two margaritas last night, but it was something like that.)






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