my life with depression.com

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an IM conversation recounting today’s conversation with S2BX and the peace that we both got from it… we are clearly going to divorce. there are no bad feelings. every mistake that we did is understood. for now there is only peace and love.






M
3:35

i just got off the phone with S2BX. he said he wants to give me 80% of everything. that’s his offer and he said that he thinks it’s fair. he and i had a good conversation.

i think - both of our hearts are at peace with the divorce.

i think that it will be finalized soon.

XX
3:35

How do you feel ?

M
3:35

i told him i want redwood shores and would see how i can afford $3600 per month.
i feel at peace. i think.

i was honest with everything. i was very vulnerable with my honesty

i told him that i’m happy that he is discovering an appreciation for his parents and his friends and his culture, but a bit of me is very sad about the fact that
it took all this pain and heartache for us to see the benefits of being with each other
and now that we are closer to being ‘better’ we have to be ‘better’ apart.

i talked about the different times that he and i gave up and took the easy way when he or i should have been fighting harder.

XX
3:40

I am glad you and him are peaceful

M
3:41

i wish that our goals and successes were not so much based on money and that if it wasn’t, then maybe we would’ve been able to see how we were both destroying our relationship.

he said that he should have stopped the relationship from moving any further along time ago because ‘we are not good for each other’

i told him that we are good together. i help him develop his emotional - sensitivity side and he helps me develop my thinking logic side.

i said that i thought that i was able to control my temper back then - and i thought that i TRIED sOOOOO hard, but what i was actually doing was absorbing everything only to explode even bigger!

i told him that we were a good balance because i was strong enough to fight for what i wanted.

and i did.

I GOT TO KEEP xaxcelx AS MY LAST NAME.

i fought hard for that shit!

and i think …

when i stopped fighting and started to ‘control’ my temper was when things started to not be so balanced. and then the move to SF and depression and our actions was the final straw that broke the camel’s back.

he always told me that i had such a hot temper.
and it was true,

what you see now is not bad. it’s actually REALLY GOOD, but then again, i was young.
but that temper gave me the strength in the relationship and got me the respect from him.
i think had that temper been funneled in a more positive way, i think just that little thing would’ve been able to keep us together because things would’ve or could’ve played out differently. EVEN with my depression and his stresses from work.

but that’s not what’s happened.

we both really love each other but we both understand that we can’t grow together. we can, but not as much as we need to.

we both also need to heal.

he even shared a little bit about the girls that have asked him out

or the girls that he thinks have cute personalities.

but are not his ‘visual’ type.

he said he doesn’t want a pretty girl anymore… i’ll take take as a compliment …
the pretty part…

it’s too bad that he didn’t see or want to see the M who acts like an ‘average’ girl. the one who tries for her man.

the one who used to do sweet things that were never noticed - maybe? …

he says he wants a pretty girl with a great personality who is sweet and kind and blah blah blah … i said YOU HAD HER!

just kidding…

are you still there?

XX
3:54

yes

M
3:57

i told him that it’s so hard to let go of the idea that we are not going to grow old together like we used to talk about. i told him that although i never dreamt of how it would be to go through life with him — just like i never dreamt of who i would marry or what i will be when i grew up … it is still hard to let the feelings of not getting old with him go.

we both agreed that we are on such a positive track/growth in our lives and that staying together would ultimately smother the growth that we need to do - by ourselves.

i fought for myself again during this conversation and he backed down.

i’m really happy to see some of my strength coming back.

i don’t mean argue with him
but…

i fought to keep talking about something and i fought for him to keep his mouth shut so that he can see that i wasn’t saying anything bad about him as he thought i was…
normally, i would just follow him and end the coversation and hold the feelings inside …
and i’m happy that i had the strength to be vulnerable to him …

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