my life with depression.com

i think i will write about my motivation level since november to now.

nov 2006- couldn’t get shit done.

dec 2006- couldn’t get shit done.

jan 2007- couldn’t really get shit done

feb 2007- getting a good amount done.

not getting that dreaded feeling when i have to do things. i’m catching up on some of the stuff that i was not able to do in november, december and january. these are very important government papers that deal with money. money that i should have been getting. lucky i have money saved in the bank to cushion the blow of a lack of motivation. i noticed that i stayed on the couch a lot during those days. whenever the thought of work entered my head or i saw a ‘to-do’ list, the more i felt depressed… probably because i couldn’t get myself to do them.

i think i’m fighting harder this month since coming back from france. also, i think that trip has given me a little bit of reality since i’m the girl with lots of dreams but very little sense of pragmatism sometimes. my view on my divorce is made with a balance of heart and mind … and a bit of female instinct.

maybe that’s why i am able to handle my lola’s impending death. i’ve been feeling numb, but maybe it’s because i accept that she’s lived a full 95 years. she’s seen many things. ALL of her friends or contemporaries have all passed and her body was tired. i couldn’t say that for her mind and soul cause she was still kicking ass… and she still had spunk. but i’m at peace knowing that going into un-conscienceness after a stroke with no pain (i hope and so i’ve been told) is a nice way to die. no pain. just peace. i would think that at that age, one is ready to face death. unlike my former client, dr. C, who is in denial and who is scared being that he’s only in his 50’s. so young and he is still at the age to be able to help more people. now this is a tragedy.

when i found out about my lola, i cried and called the first person that i thought of for support. my S2BX. but after being on the phone with him for about 5 mins- and i’m thankful that he picked up - i realized that i’ve never gotten support from him or that safe-warm feeling through all my hard times. through the death of my niece, the depression, my dad’s own depression and suicide attempts … etc. it was just a normal reflex to reach out to him since he WAS my husband. i said thank you and good bye. i really realized AGAIN why he is S2BX = soon to be ex(husband) because [FOR ME] he doesn’t have the capacity for emotional support. i still felt left alone and lonely.



this realization slapped me on the face.