another divorce negotiation
Wednesday, March 14th, 2007
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S2BX (soon-to-be-ex-husband) just came by to drop off some mail, tax stuff and my golf clubs.
how do i feel?
good.
i’m feeling good.
since we separated and i moved into my loft, every visit always turned into an argument session filled with hurt feelings from the past with “you did this and you did that”. i tried not to take the role of the victim like i have in the past … a few times it worked, but i still had to prove him wrong, so it would still get heated. [ i guess maybe we were both reacting emotionally to the other person rather than taking control of our emotions ] …
this visit was different. even our phone conversations have been different. we are getting along and i am not getting that dreaded / excited feeling right before our meeting. i gave him a full long hug when he came in. it felt nice because i haven’t given him one in a really long time. even when we were arguing about our feelings back last year or the few times when we were both doing that AND crying … we still didn’t give each other a really strong tight hug…. even though we felt all of this love and care and and feelings that i can’t even put into words … see i still have that feeling because i am starting to tear up and my eyes are starting to burn with tears. i still really really really really really really really really love him but i can’t ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever live with him. AND i’m not even talking about sex. sex has nothing to do with my love for him. [ in fact, i never felt as comfortable and playful (as i am now with my FRENCHIE) and i never really wanted the time to last longer - even if i initiated. maybe it had to do with the way i saw him. you know? we had the father/daughter OR the benefactor benefactee relationship. my FRENCHIE and i are more on equal footing with each other ]
sorry about the tangent.
so we talked business … realtor for redwood shores, renter and other $$ events for florida … we are now looking into my taking florida. I KNOW … I KNOW … I KNOW … long story and i don’t want to get into the numbers, (1) but i’m trying to see how many months i can afford florida with/without a renter, my current living expenses and loft rent with the proceeds from redwood shores while still putting away a portion for my emergency fund in the amount i would feel comfortable with - and believe me, i need more than $40k in emergency money to feel comfortable (2) i’m also trying to see how many months i could afford florida with/without a renter with the assumption of i’ve had a longer period of “good weeks” so i am more stable and can hold down a job - i don’t even need a career right now… AND still have my emergency fund.
i see florida this way: tax deduction … i’ll be at a lower tax bracket (i just need $55-60K to afford my current lifestyle minus all my paris/london trips) so perhaps more disposable income … building equity with the help of a renter … portfolio diversification … long term investment … cuts my stress of having to purchase property in san francisco right away - ummmm that’s $600-$800+ per square foot in a safe area for a 5′ 1″ skinny smiley M.
anyways, he told me how much he would want in cash and i am to tell him my answer in a week. i think all he really cares about is not having the stress of florida + the stress of work + the stress of selling redwood shores + whatever other stresses. he doesn’t handle stress as well as me, but then again, will all of his pressure, i’m sure i would also be stressed out.
well, he left after an hour and i gave him a long tight hug again.
because S2BX and i are still watching out for each other through the divorce ( while neither feels screwed ) i have a feeling that we will still be really good friends. maybe not the best friends that we were … but still very very tight.
though i haven’t felt lucky in a very very very very very loooooooooong time, i’m feeling really lucking right now
i just don’t understand why my body is feeling tight and why i’m wanting a massage… ???
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