stress pains and emotional walls -OUCH!
Thursday, March 15th, 2007
ouch! my back is killing me. it’s the same one that i had this morning after S2BX came by.
but now it’s gotten so much worse. it’s 7pm and this started at 12 noon. i think it’s gotten worse because my FRENCHIE just told me that his mom’s sister just passed away from a pulmonary embolism. she was just 55 and recovering from knee surgery. pulmonary embolism is basically a blood clot that is formed on your leg that travels through your circulation and fits itself nicely in your lungs … they say that death doesn’t always occur, but the two people i know who had this both died. (1) my FRENCHIE’s aunt (2) my cousin, who within the month of giving birth to her first child passed from this. her daughter attended her mom’s funeral before she was even one month old. sad sad sad.
i think that it may be that i’m worried about my FRENCHIE (and family) as this is the third death the family has had in one year. first his dad of brain tumor, then his maternal grandfather and now his maternal aunt. i don’t know how his mom is managing.
he says he’s ok, but just tired. it was already passed 1 am his time. i understand, but i have a feeling that he will bury this inside of him too. just like the other two deaths. i feel like there is this wall that he has put up to prevent himself from getting hurt … hurt by whom? i don’t know … maybe outside people. i don’t know how long he has had this wall. we’ve only known each other for just under two years. i’ve actually only seen him with his wall down one time. he was sharing something of his father with me. i was crying and my heart went out to him. i sooooooo wanted to be next to him and hold him and comfort him, but i was 10hours away and we only had live video through the internet.
i want to support him, but i don’t know how. not when he’s always “fine”.
the only emotions i think i’ve every seen from him are: happiness, joy, anger but mostly frustration, … is boredom considered an emotion? that’s kinda a state of being. study mode … is that one … how about fascination?
well, i’ll just have to be patient. he’ll come out.
i hope.
i’ll just be here to listen.
that is … if we wants to talk about it.
i’d fly out to paris, but i would just be a distraction.
thank goodness my neighbor who is a masseuse is able to give me a massage - well, actually she double booked. her friend who is visiting and who works at the sonoma mission inn is going to work on me.
i better take a warm shower and get ready …. etc.
calgone… take me away! — remember that commercial?
