my life with depression.com

i’m lonely again.

i just got off a conversation with my FRENCHIE. i didn’t feel good during our short chat. he didn’t share with me that yesterday was his dad’s death anniversary. we spoke for at least an hour and a half as i drove down to redwood shores. we talked about other things. we laughed, but nothing. i thought it was today actually because i remember it as having happened on the spring equinox - that’s today the 21st.

today, earlier on our video chat he told me “that’s enough cookies”. i felt like i had to defend the fact that i’ve only eaten 2 girl scout cookies. I’M SO DUMB! i don’t need to defend the fact that i’m eating my favorite dosie do girl scout cookies!

i was sooo annoyed. am i the only one who feels that he talked down to me? what is it that he did? i told him that he acted like he was my father and that i’m not a child. why is it that the people that i start to like do this to me? i know he didn’t mean to make me feel this way, but i did. it’s like when S2BX told me “why did you wear those shoes instead of rubber bottoms” when i slipped and almost landed on my ass trying not to track dirt onto his bmw’s beige carpet. what he told me was something one would tell a child. to an adult we ask if that person is ok.

this side of my FRENCHIE doesn’t come out too often, but then again, he and i have not spent a lot of time together. i’m kinda worried because i see that he does this with his mother and brother. he’s even admitted to it and i’ve clearly stated in the past that i do not like it one bit. he can do that with his family, but not me. i don’t think it’s very respectful. i left the conversation early. i didn’t feel like smiling nor did i feel like being “cute”.

why can’t a boy just love me. respect me. treat me as an equal. adore me. make me important in his life. make my needs and wants important too.

not fair. not fair at all.

maybe i need to spend more alone M time again. where i just contemplate things again. i’m suppose to get a call from kevin letting me know if our old coworker bob is available for dinner. bob’s out in the bay area for business. i haven’t seen him in a year. i want to go and i miss talking shit with the guys, but just the past few days have been so emotional for me.

i got that ” i want a baby feeling ” again and i want a partner to come home to or who comes home to me. i know it’s not the right time for that now. it’s just i’ve never been ready for it nor have i ever had that feeling until now. it’s kinda like a yearning or something. i guess i’ve wanted that for so long. i’ve wanted to be the strong support for a husband - more specifically my own husband. definitely have a family and live in the house with the white picket fence - well, something like that.

i’m tired of being sad. shit. i’m tired of being lonely. i’m tired of no one being there to hold me while i fall asleep and i’m tired of not having someone that i love to wake up to every morning. i’ve been without this for - forever!

darn! i feel like i’m getting that ‘no motivation feeling again. in fact, i’ve since moved to the couch and i’m wanting to close my eyes and just sleep here.


AM I FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF?