my life with depression.com

i don’t want to do this again. i don’t want to go back to redwood shores and pack away “our” history. i had a bad day yesterday. it’s been more than a month since the last bad day.

there’s just so many memories. so many relationships and rituals and family functions … etc. that are no longer going to be or are no longer there. i should think that the relationship wasn’t 100% dreadful. everyone loved him from my family to my friends to my not so close friends.

i think that i really miss the intimacy of being with someone for years and years and years. being comfortable to do anything without thinking … is he going to think i’m weird? if i were to tell you that i never used to close the bathroom door when taking care of business …. would you think that’s gross or weird? for us it wasn’t … it was intimacy … the better to have a conversation when a conversation was happening.

i once told this doctor friend of mine that you know a guy really loves you when he farts on your leg. he asked me if he’s “the one”. that’s intimacy right there. well, i guess so much for intimacy as you - the world - from england to sweden to new york to france to fullerton now know this little fact.

i miss being the only person in the whole wide world to know what “white angel” means and how the term came into being.

i miss listening to detailed daily frustrations / successes of work.

not saying i want to be with him. just saying i miss the intimacy that i used to have. i don’t want to have to worry so much about etiquette like you do when just starting to date or meet people or whatever ….