my life with depression.com

just saw my therapist. we talked about how i’ve been feeling lately. about how i missed my psychiatry appointment because i was dragging.

she reminded me that i am still mourning the marriage and that i am not going into another depression cycle. that really puts my mind at ease. she’s glad that although i was remembering the happy times of the past while packing away memories, i still tried to balance those memories with the things that i didn’t have or the bad feelings i had. she said that i was looking at the packing in a more balanced way. she said that each item that brought about a memory is a snap shot of the happy times. after all, we never keep things or take pictures when we are sad do we?



in regards to my complaint that S2BX is now finally valuing or caring about the pictures that i took through our 10 years, she said that guys are never into pictures. in general. the only time that they really look at them is if we say: HEY! come here and look at this! she said that wanting to keep some of the photo albums means that he wants to keep a piece of me with him.

she says and i agree that the fact that S2BX and i can clean and get the place ready together is great! it’s great that we can still have a friendship. i guess our selling the place gives us closure and with that, he and i can start a new relationship as just friends. a casual relationship. i was crying. i cried through out the whole session it seems. i just love him so gosh darn much! and i am so disappointed that it’s come to this. i’m glad that i will still have him in my life. i guess just because we are going to start a new relationship doesn’t mean that he and i are loosing everything - memories - fun times, those are still there and will support our future friendship.

i mentioned how i’ve been told about cousins who were all at the point of breaking up, but decided to stay together and are doing ok. the difference is that they had kids. S2BX and i could make it work like they did, but it would look more like a partnership. a business partnership. like the one we already had. we HAD no passion and we HAVE no passion. at least my cousins had passion and things are all different because of kids and they just had to recognize this and get back into the groove. S2BX and i were already acting like 50 year olds - that’s the age my therapist chose, but not to say that 50 year olds have no passion. i guess it is true that we were separated along time ago. although it actually took a long time to be physically separated and it took a long time to finalize how to divide things and it’s taking a long time to finalize the divorce ….

a part of me still wishes things could’ve been worked out. but i guess i can’t when i don’t find someone sexually attractive anymore. i love him as much as i love my parents, but perhaps that love stops there.


i have to remember that doing what i’m doing is mourning and i am going to feel the same feelings that a person will feel when a loved one passes. but once everything is sorted out and given to good will or thrown out, there starts the other side of grief and mourning. i hope that comes for me soon.

everything is just becoming so concrete and tangible now.