my life with depression.com

————————socializing

i saw my therapist yesterday.

we had a good session. i mainly brought out the events of this past week. after telling her about my hanging out and talking with people … etc. she asked me where i was regarding my depression. from 1-10. i said that prior to my birthday, i was just ok perhaps at 5 - given that i was sad from packing away history. then, during my birthday, although i was still dragging, i guessed that i was at 6, but at 10 when i was with people. i rated yesterday an 8.

she pointed out again that my depression gets better every time i socialize. yes this is true. i know this. i am an ENFP - an extreme one at that when i am without depression. since i am an E-xtrovert, i get my energy from other people. it’s just hard for me to get my butt out there and HAVE TO TRY to hook up with people. i don’t like all the planning. i would rather do it spontaneously. again, another trait of an ENFP. that’s why i like hanging out with angeleeeeeeeeka. we plan out our “hang out days” the morning of or the day before. usually they are made the morning of. also, sometimes i feel like hanging out with people is work. i just want to chill most of the time and have an easy visit. i have a friend that can be a touch on the pushy and judgmental side - though i think she has a bit more control - don’t get me wrong, because she’s sweet and i like her, but … it’s too much work right now.

oh, so that’s one point: SOCIALIZING = BETTER MOOD = less depression

i have to say that socialization is not good when you are at that phase when you are not ready for it. i think everyone goes through that isolation, hibernation, “push the world out of my life” stage of depression. i’ve found that once i attempted when i was ready … it DID help my mood for a majority of the week.

————————discounting

another subject that she and i focused on was how i discounted myself in thinking that i didn’t contribute as much to my relationship with S2BX. i would always think that he was contributing more (correction: i made all the decisions that weren’t as important such as: what movie to watch - although i always picked good ones, how to decorate the house or what color the dishes were going to be … blah blah blah) i have to remember that i allowed this to happen.

well, i started getting that minimizing myself feeling with my FRENCHIE. my therapist asked me what my FRENCHIE did for me. so i told her. then she asked, but don’t you do that for him too? i thought about it for a moment and i said: YEAH! I DO! and i also do this and that and this and that and this and that and she added: and you travel to visit him and i do this and that and this and that … i joked and said: I’M SOOOO PERFECT! we both had a good laugh.

———————— jealousy

she and i also dealt with the little bit of reaction (jealousy) that i gave S2BX during my birthday lunch. i had to prove to him that he has really changed most of his ideas on how to live life to the way i want; in some ways, i had to prove to him that if he married a super duper rich girl like the one that he was set up with in korea, he would still not feel fulfilled getting to run her dad’s pharmaceutical company because he didn’t do it on his own. he argued. i proved him wrong. he asked: can’t a guy just dream?

but you know … he did get a reaction out of me. my therapist said that i played right into his game. i can see that. next time, i’ll just say ” wow! it seems you are going through a lot of changes” and only think in my head: “i told you so” [joke] oh it’s an ego thing i guess and perhaps it was a bit of my insecurity because i’m not a super duper rich girl. shoot!

———————— dream

in fact, that is something that i share with S2BX. our background. although i had this and that while he had this one and that one, we still grew up in the middle class. perhaps he was a bit lower in the middle class strata. he had atari and big wheels. i didn’t. (smiley face). hmmm i guess you can say that we in the past 10 years have realized some of the AMERICAN DREAM. we both came from middle class families (with parents who moved up from the lower class as immigrants but who where lower-upper class in their respective countries ) to the upper middle class. does that make sense? it does to me! here:

parents: (respective country of origin) lower-upper class [as there is not really a middle class in these countries. it’s more of the “haves vs. the have nots”] —> (immigrated to the states) lower-middle class —-> middle-middle class.

us: (in the states) middle-middle class —> upper middle class —> lower upper class

am i going off on a tangent? what was i talking about? anyways. we have this in common and we both utilized the sacrifices of our parents to give us the opportunity for a better way of life. and that’s THE AMERICAN DREAM.

my kids better not waste it. i’ll kick their a$$

c’est moi quand j’etais jeune et mignon.