my life with depression.com

i was just looking at some pictures and videos and i got sad. my mom is looking for a specific picture and i know it’s in my computer somewhere. i got sad because i saw the video of the family’s yearly spring birthdays. S2BX - feb, cousin justin - march, my sissy - march and me-march. we usually all celebrate the four birthdays around my birthday. we would have two cakes. one for the girls - me and sissy and another for the boys.

[if you’re trying to understand some of the words but can’t, stop because it’s not english.]

welp, so much for those family get together. i’m thinking back and i’m picturing that moment. when all of us are around the dining table, singing the happy birthday song and the four of us blowing out the candles. i’m asking myself … who is the cause of this? who is causing the end of this great family tradition. ummmm that would be moi. man! i’m such a sucker for those types of moments and now, there are no more to come. of the four of us who celebrate, the only one who will be left at the candle is nobody. nobody because i’m divorcing S2BX. no body because i’ve pushed out my sister out of my life. no body because justin won’t be there. why? because we are not going to ever have the party anymore.

i miss the sound of little rugrats running around laughing and getting into trouble. i miss my mom’s cooking. i miss hanging out with my family. i want those times back.

thanksgiving, christmas, new years and my birthday were so sad and lonely and different.

i hate these moments that hit me out of nowhere to remind me that my divorce and depression broke up a family. i’m taking an uncle away from the little munchkins. drew won’t be able to call so he can brag about something to S2BX. i’m taking away a guy who is loved by everyone in the family. the guy that if you had a daughter, you would want them to marry someone like S2BX.

damn him! damn his arrogance and damn him for treating me like a kid. damn him for not being supportive. damn him for not taking care of me after we moved away from my support base, for his career. damn him for not appreciating me and the sacrifices that i made for us. damn him damn him damn him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! damn him for trying to dictate everything.

i’m sitting here in my bedroom. probably going back inside of myself and i’m wondering … now that i’m not around them … how much will i affect their lives if … say i wasn’t here. i’m not suicidal. the thought did come earlier tonight though. i don’t know why. i just suddenly felt this extreme loneliness. like i just wanted to end it. i’m really craving a hug. i just need to be held while i cry. but there isn’t even anyone to hug me. being alone is soooooo hard. i really want to be held right now. yeah. i think i’m really missing physical affection and that conversation that happens when two people are just living together. it’s weird. i can’t even share a thought with anyone when i think of it or point out something and comment on it. you know. when you want to turn around and share with your loved one something so trivial at that time but becomes a part of your intimacy in the relationship.

i hate crying. i have dried tears on my face. i can feel them. i hate this whole mourning the marriage. when is it going to end?

i’m gonna go to sleep. maybe that will make me feel beter. good night.