memory from the past and why i was sad last night
Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007
[LAST NIGHT’s thoughts:]
damn him, damn mourning the marriage and damn all the f’n changes!
i just read over what i wrote last night. i’m tearing again. i haven’t felt these feelings for about two months. i’ve been having a good two month. i’ve been sad obviously with having to get redwood shores ready to sell and spending whole days with S2BX and spending time in a place that held soooo many happy moments and so many gut wrenching ones. of going through all the happy memories and having to try really hard not to cry, but you cry anyway because you are not currently remembering the bad meories too.
this sadness i’m feeling is different than the sadness that i described above. this is coming from a deeper source. maybe not as deep as the many many many many (too many) crying sessions that i had during nov and dec of last year and the beginning of this year, but i it’s deep - that’s for sure.
i spoke with my mom last night. she said that my dad is coming home from his trip to the philippines. my lola (gramma) is still in a coma (my mom keeps using the work unresponsive - i say coma) and there’s not been any changes. the nurses are still coming over to make sure she doesn’t get any bed sores and to do whatever else needs to be done. i know if she becomes responsive, she is going to be paralized on one side from the stroke.
i forgot to mention that my sissy texted me a happy birthday on my birthday. i sent her one on her birthday too. that was nice but still so very far from where we were. my mom says that it’s too bad we are in this “situation” because we were so close. she’d mentioned that my sister has gone into a depression of some sort. it’s about f*ck’n time! i knew she was a depression waiting to happen. or maybe she was and she was just a functioning depressed person. i feel like my mom was kinda telling me in a-round-about-way that my sister needs me or needed me - or something, but you know … i gotta take care of myself because i’m done taking care of others before me. i’m done worrying about her too. i just realized that she just turned 30. MY LITTLE SISTER. here’s a picture:
this is the video that i was talking about when i was crying last night:
[if you’re trying to understand some of the words but can’t, stop because it’s not english.]
