my life with depression.com

[ABOUT THIS POST: never posted. written 1/13/07 during my hard dark winter]


i’d hate to brag, but…(sang in a joyful way as if i’m bragging) iiiiiiiiiiiii haaaaaaaaaad a goooooooood daaaaaaay… iiiiiiiiiiii haaaaaaaad a goooooooood daaaaaaay!

well, i wouldn’t exactly say it was the best yesterday, but it certainly was a lot better then the days that i’ve been having. have i stopped crying? that’s a silly question … of course not! this is me we are talking about. i cried on the phone with my mom. she called me in the morning. it was another heart to heart. man! she’s more understanding about the situation as the conversations go by. although this blog is public, there are still some things that i’d like to keep private, but she did say that i have to look into the future and that i AM 32 and that S2BX is a very good guy. he’s everything that a girl could want — except for the thick emotional wall.

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i’m pausing because i’ve finally forced myself to eat lunch. it’s 1:12pm. i’m really trying …
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well, since i’ve been in my depressed mood, the loft looks like a mess. i’ve got bags all over the place … my bed’s not been made for days… i have empty bags of snack next to my tv (i’ve not eaten properly, but i’ve eaten plenty of fattening junk food…. my laundry’s not been folded and it’s been … what a week since i washed them? … my dishwasher is full of clean dishes and i’ve left it open for me to remind myself to put them away, but every morning, i would just go around the lowered door being careful not to bang the shit out of my shins AGAIN! i left the fabric softener sheets on the floor and never picked them up after they fell out of the dryer … i think you get the picture.

you know … i’m thinking back to my days in redwood shores … i would get into my cleaning mode every … two weeks and no one can disturb me since i’m totally concentrated on cleaning. i don’t mean just .. you know… dusting … and vacuuming, but really getting into every nook and cranny … i even clean the baseboards - i think that’s what those are called… but once i became depressed again, i stopped! i stopped cleaning all together. i stopped cooking. i guess i stopped even getting out of bed. anyways …

the reason i brought that up is because yesterday, i felt well enough that i went to the market to grab some eggs because i was inspired to cook some porridge (it’s filipino and it’s called aroz-caldo - well, something like that) and i like hard boiled eggs in mine. i even put away the clean dishes and put all the dirty ones in the dishwasher. what else? … oh! i picked up and threw away the fabric softener sheets - finally! … i wiped down my counters … wiped down my bathroom … FINALLY put those clorox bleach circle things inside my toilet. i’ve been wanting to do that since before i left for christmas. it’s been on the floor so i see it on my way out the door - just to remind me to do it. i threw away the empty snack bags and i ate what was left of the cheese goldfish - WHAT??!!! - there was only a little left! Oh, and i made my bed and cleaned everything off the couch…

i know that doesn’t seem like much, but for me… it is. especially with how i’ve been feeling. i’m really trying hard when i feel well, but i feel like i’m just trying to catch up.

oh and i cooked. that’s a feat all on it’s own. granted it took me almost two hours to cook porridge.

LESSON LEARNED: when your mother tells you to only use 1 cup of rice … don’t ignore her and don’t think that she doesn’t know what she talking about …. one cup of rice?!!! yeah right! she doesn’t even know that i have 6 pieces of chicken for it! well, i put in 3 cup to 4 cups - i don’t even remember anymore, but let’s just say it’s all stuck on the bottom of my nice pot since i didn’t put enough water for the amount of rice that i used. and so i kept adding and adding and adding and adding …. well anyways…

i cook some GOOD ass aroz-caldo! not as good as mom and pops, but edible…

i’m gonna finish reviewing my french. i don’t want to be the idiot of my class when i’m in paris.

ah bon! j’ai lu le livre fraincais en peux et je ne suis pas terminer. je n’attand pas pour la voyage. j’ai besoin de sortir ma vie ici ce memente - là. chaque jour, j’aime plus la idèe de vivre au londres pour xx temps. - bad bad grammer. [translation: good! i read the french book a little and i am not finished. i can’t wait for my trip. i need to leave my life at this moment. everyday, i am liking the idea of living in london for xxx time frame.