DAMN HIM. DAMN DAMN DAMN HIM
Friday, April 6th, 2007
[continued from: r-e-s-p-e-c-t i know what it means to me (respect)
wow three posts about my therapy session today that was only 30 minutes worth since i came in super late because i was dragging.
i told my therapist about the article that i re-read again about: unhappy about marriage? put off getting that divorce
about how i’ve been thinking about it. but that i was not going to put off the “divorce”
she went on to say that one can pull up anything from the internet to support a position. and that i didn’t do anything wrong in the relationship. that i initiated counseling and he wasn’t very ….. to it … etc. he was self medicating himself and so on and so forth… and he had his “addictions” to help him handle all the stress placed upon him from work or whatever he was avoiding … perhaps even taking care of his wife when she was having a hard time … maybe? hmmmm that would’ve been nice. then i wouldn’t feel like the way i do right now. all teary and hurting inside. i’m tired of feeling this way. i’m tired of crying. i understand that transitions are hard and that though i’m on the right path, it’s still going to be hard - per my therapist. and that the past is going to come to mind often, i’m going to remember the good happy times and it’s gonna hurt. have i mentioned that i hate grieving my marriage and relationship?
it’s like … i love S2BX with all my heart and i would’ve supported and followed him to the end of the world ’cause it was suppose to be us vs. them …. but now i also hate him so much, now that i’m able to put into words how he treated me. i just want these dual feelings to go away!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just don’t want to give a shit anymore. i also wish that there weren’t so many question marks in my future. with him, there were none. the company was suppose to move us eventually to san antonio. we’d pay cash for a house… we’d have a huge house and backyard … i would join society and the other executive wives and do positive things in the community and represent our family and his name so that … you know … work as a team to make him look good … the way we’ve always done it. the more the executives loved me, the more they would love him … etc. we were partners.
all of that is gone.
i hate him for his arrogance. i hate him for not acting with respect for me when we are together and for treating me like a child. for not appreciating the sacrifices that i made for his career - for us - until NOW!
i’m tired of telling my therapist something about a response that someone has to something i said or did, compare that of S2BX’s only to find AGAIN that his response is without respect and that the way the another person treated me is with respect.
i think i prefer being respected more. was that easy to follow?
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M SOOOOOOOOO FUCK’N TIRED OF HURTING ……. GOD DAMN HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hope one day he realizes that i tried and was the best wife and partner. i hope he realizes this when he’s out in the streets broke ’cause his financial house of cards collapsed as a result of loosing me.
no. that’s vengeful. but still. i’m hurting and crying right now and i’m feeling disappointed and cheated as if a dream was stolen right from under me - DAMN HIM. DAMN DAMN DAMN HIM……………i got cheated out of the perfect happy dream that i was living. the charmed life that i had. i’m sooooooo scared now. i’m so scared to face my future by myself. i’ve never been alone. and it’s soooo hard and lonely. i don’t want to be alone anymore. how am i suppose to not be guarded with my heart … with my life. am i to always live as though i am the only one to take care of myself? i mean … i want to be able to take care of myself, but i also want a partner who will want to take care of me and protect me. i know it sounds like a fairy tale, but i’ve always thought it’s suppose to be like that. i never expected that i’d need to protect myself against my “partner” from now on.
I
AM
SO
FUCK’N
MAD.
AND there’s not anyone to hold me right now and kiss my tears away.
GOD!!!!!!! I JUST WANT TO PUNCH SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!
[FOLLOW: this therapy session]
therapy session about dragging in the morning
r-e-s-p-e-c-t i know what it means to me (respect)
DAMN HIM. DAMN DAMN DAMN HIM
