my life with depression.com

r-e-s-p-e-c-t … i know what it means to me … (respect)

Friday, April 6th, 2007

[continued from: therapy session about dragging in the morning]

i mentioned that i asked my friend kevie to come over during the weekend so i had someone to enjoy my shabby chic bistro set and soon to be shabby chic balcony with and so i could try a recipe from my Barefoot Contessa at Home: Everyday Recipes You’ll Make Over and Over Againbook. going off on a tangent, this book shows recipes with very few and everyday ingredients. so anyway, i was attempting to cook chicken piccata that evening. kevie, being mr. chef and all told me that i am allowed to put my pan directly into the stove as they are all clads. so i did. once i had it back on the burner, my stupid-ass grabbed the burning burning hot hot handle to move it. it took about 5 seconds for it to register and then, just as slowly, my hand was under the faucet. i burned my whole hand. i mentioned this to my therapist because i liked kevie’s reaction. he just calmly laughed at me and continued what i was doing … telling me to put some ointment on my hand and to ice it and stuff. he said some people are made for the bedroom and some people are made for the kitchen and obviously i’m not made for the kitchen. a correction: i am not made for either bedroom or kitchen.

this surprised me because i’m so used to anger following something like that … or condescension or something. like when a parent gets upset at the child for getting hurt or something. i don’t know. i know i don’t get babied or shown SOFTNESS. i was told that kevie’s reaction was just respect for me. he knows that people make mistakes and blah blah blah … hmmmmm respect. that word has been going around my head a lot and i’m more sensitive to it when interacting with S2BX. i’m really noticing the way he looses patience with me - even when he doesn’t have to have patience. i’ve been noticing that he just wants to tell me something and i’m not suppose to “question” what he had said. [his need for control]

take for instance today. i passed by his office to pick up some real estate papers. he also told me that we wouldn’t be able to deduct some stuff (t4 tax purposes) because there is an income ceiling that we hit or something. i surprisingly asked “even without my income?”. acting annoyed, he said that that’s the way it is and i can’t question it and that he’s already said that we would talk more this weekend about it. oh. THAT PISSED THE SHIT OUT OF ME. but i stood there until he was done telling me other stuff. if i’d said something then. it would’ve turned into a fight. all he could’ve said was ” yup! even without your income.” i got back to the loft and text him to tell him not to be rude like that to me again. i wanted to add “otherwise we are only going to work together via email” but i held back since i’m not trying to respond back with emotion.

he later texted me with “k. sorry for that.”

i’m not going to let him do that to me anymore. next time he does that … i think i will just point it out and tell him to talk to me via email or hang up if on the phone. i will just talk to him on via email.

takes me back to the four rules that we had when we would have serious talks last year:

notes from a conversation

i’ve been so sleepy lately too. i know it’s from my medicine - lexapro, but it’s even more so lately. it’s almost 6pm right now and i started feeling this sleepiness at 3pm this afternoon. yesterday, right around the time when i was suppose to meet up with angeleeeeeeeeeka. i want to put my head down soooo bad … but i don’t want to. i don’t want to fall asleep early today. i’m drinking coffee and it’s not helping. i sat outside, but that didn’t help too. i’m glad i didn’t get into a car accident though. well, i almost did! and it would’ve been my fault. thank goodness johnson and johnson put me through the driving dynamics class when i was working for them. that’s probably the only good thing i got from JNJ.

[continued to: the next post]