therapy session about dragging in the morning
Friday, April 6th, 2007
i was dragging again this morning. i woke up, but couldn’t get out of bed. i had to force myself. on the positive note, i did take a shower. that’s four showers in a row. i know … gross! but for those who suffer from depression, they understand the achievement in that. i was late to my therapy appointment by 20-25 minutes and she even moved her office 10 minutes closer to me!
i told her that i was dragging again. in fact, i’ve been dragging for the past few days … no wait … even since last week when S2BX and i were cleaning and getting redwood shores ready to be sold. i was late by 20 minutes in meeting my friend at the museum this past tuesday, almost an hour late meeting angeleeeeeeeka yesterday and late again today. i was told that i was short changing myself in that … i was paying for time that i wasn’t getting … i could’ve spent more time with my friend and her baby … etc. she wanted to know if there’s something inside of me that is thinking that i’m not deserving. she’s asked me that before. why i can’t take a compliment unless it’s a “M, you’re a genius! Thanks so much. I started using it today and it’s great. I guess I owe you several dinners now. Take care and see you soon.” or “wow! you’ve only taken 5 weeks for french … you speak so well” … etc.
i told her that i don’t think it’s that. it’s just that … i just don’t want to. i just have this strong “i don’t want to feeling”. and that i have to force myself to go. things end up being better, but initially, i just can’t get my ass to move.
i’m not allowed to drag anymore. i’m suppose to get up and get going. i am allowed to schedule “dragging time” but only in the afternoon …. great! how is that suppose to be dragging if i’m scheduling it!?!
i’m also going to have to seriously walk more. i guess my weekly walks with angeleeeeeeka isn’t enough. she wants me to get a walking partner. perhaps someone in the building, but i don’t want to. i don’t want to have to talk with someone like that…. i’ll just try going by myself. perhaps i’ll schedule that too, so it’s easier for me. she was glad that i’m productive once i’ve forced myself to leave/move.
[to be continued to next post]
[FOLLOW: this therapy session]
therapy session about dragging in the morning
r-e-s-p-e-c-t i know what it means to me (respect)
DAMN HIM. DAMN DAMN DAMN HIM
