my life with depression.com

still struggling. on top of that … i’m getting these feelings regarding S2BX. i don’t like it because i don’t feel good. i don’t know how i feel. i can’t really put it into words.

[TO START: at the beginning of this day]
struggling to get out of bed


he and i spoke today as planned. but somehow, it started with the rude thing from thursday. he agreed that he was wrong to have been rude. we talked about another recent incident. he explained that stress was his reason and that i should be more empathetic given that he has a lot on his plate. i explained that i AM empathetic. he then says that he will try hard not to be rude and that i should try to be more sensitive and act accordingly. i explained that HAD I KNOWN and seen any signs, i would have made different decisions. he insisted that i just say that i will try harder. i didn’t agree because i do try. i told him that my not picking up on any cues is not a choice that i made. there were no cues as he was just opening the door. i told him that it IS A CHOICE TO BE RUDE. not picking up on cues or even not being keen on picking up “i’m stressed” cues is not a choice. this kept going around in circles.

then somehow the conversation went to our father-daughter-benefactor-benefactee relationship. he agrees that he treated me like a kid. i then followed that up with the fact that because he had that view of me … that means that he’s only given me the respect that a child can get. thus the reason why i was so frustrated. he said that he only did that if i acted like a child. his saying that says that i acted like a child all the time then and that it’s all my fault! uh-huh. oh no he di-in’t! i told him that maybe HE treated me like a child and so i had to take that role on. aside… i told him that i don’t blame him. i only blame myself as i allowed it to happen to me.

he argues that too saying “i allowed it to happen to me” means that i think i cannot do or did not do anything wrong. i told him that i can only take credit for my choices and actions and i’ve accepted those along time ago when i decided to try not to be and act like a victim anymore. he said that it sounds as if i was just there and he was the bad guy doing bad stuff to me which i allowed. i disagreed in that it was my choice to allow or to not allow anything or everything to happen. i had choices just like he did. blah blah blah…

then we got into another one whenever we resolved the ones that had just spoken about.

but… though we argued … well, first of all, i’m glad that i didn’t allow him to push me up against a wall. also, i think that he was treating me more with respect and wasn’t going off on me. he was not his pushy pushy pushy self once i stood up for myself. he actually changed… and defused tension with a laugh here and a laugh there.

in the end, i told him” okay … byeeeeeee don’t be ruuuude next tiiiiiiime” to which he answered ” okay ….. you toooooo” then i answered back ” okay byeeeeeee don’t be a bitch anymore!” i didn’t hear his comment ’cause i hung up so he didn’t get the last word. we got off the phone on good terms.

i’m soooo confused. like … i hate him so much and i’m so angry at him for treating me the way he did. for making me lonely … for killing my self-confidence … etc. but why do i still love him soooo much??? why am i seconding guessing my decision just because we had a really good kind of argument? he’s still the same person. he’s still just as pushy … condescending, a mr. know-it-all, mr. i’m-right and you’re-wrong. mr. i-need-to-control-my-world- and-everything-around-it. mr. i-can’t-enjoy-my-present-because-i’m-too-worried-about-saving-for-the-future. mr. i-can’t-even-appreciate-my-kick-ass-wonderful-wife-with-whom-other’s-wives-can’t-even-compare!

one thing that he did say was that he has my back and that i can still count on him and that if i needed him to come over and help with something or if i’m flat broke that he wouldn’t hesitate and that he’ll still take care of me up here in the bay area since i don’t have family and he’s my only family.

there’s a part of me that asks … now that i’m stronger … why couldn’t we try again. i don’t mean live together, but start to get to know each other again. perhaps try couples therapy again but this time, perhaps he’s not going to try to control that too. maybe he’s more ready now. maybe almost loosing me has made him appreciate me and what i bring to the table more. perhaps we can finally be a team and have the family that we wanted and still live our dream.

i’m so sad.

he said that things were getting better … we started doing more things …. yeah, but maybe it’s too late. maybe it was too late. maybe the pain is just too much to over come.

am i giving up to easily? am i suppose to keep fighting for us? now that i’m stronger? now that there’s been time between us to really think through our roles in the relationship … to realize and to really feel how much we really do love each other and how we both are suppose to love, honor and cherish one another, in good times and in bad, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health ’til death do us part. that was my vow. that was our vow. to love and take care of each other no matter what. did we really live by what we said? if we divorce, what does that say about us? about me? … what happened to: when the going get’s tough, the tough get’s going. does this mean i’m weak now that the going is tough?

am i just doing this because it’s hard for me to get out of bad relationships? and is this my way of staying? or is it because i see the possibilities in everything and so the possibility of this working out too. maybe i can’t see the road to it, but there has to be a possibility or a path to it because i can see the end of it! - happily. like the way it was suppose to be.

but then what about the possibility of not being with him? actually, that future possibility is harder for me to see/visualize where this solo single life is going to take me. it’s actually scarier.

[FOLLOW: this day]
1. struggling to get out of bed
2. kamini and marly-gomont y j’suis blanc
3. i’m confused. love. vows. hate. persistence.

[FOLLOW: these thoughts]
1. i’m confused. love. vows. hate. persistence.
2. the divorce is still on
3. our father-daughter relationship: the beginning