my life with depression.com

[TO START: at the beginning of these thoughts]
i’m confused. love. vows. hate. persistence.

S2BX is a great person and he really does love and care and have only the best interest for me, but i remember the following feelings [warning feelings] that didn’t sit well with me all through out the relationship.

the first time i felt “these feelings” [warning feelings] was when i asked him to be my date to my co-worker’s daughter’s wedding. he and i sat and hung out with my office manager, missy. the music was … well…. you know … typical wedding … great to listen to tunes, but hard to dance to because it’s not the current kind….? so anyways, didn’t dance all afternoon, but when the song “my brown eyed girl” came on … missy dragged me to the dance floor … well, not dragged because i loved that song too! that was MY SONG! [because i have brown eyes]. we used to blast that song out loud in the office and sing and dance around … so it has meaning for us.

wouldn’t you know it. i got CHASTISED for “leaving” him there at the table to dance to 2 songs. his complaint was that he didn’t know anyone. i guess he wanted me to stick to him like glue the whole night. he lectured me about how he would never do that to me … and blah blah blah … oh my gosh! he was an adult! he was already in the working man’s world! for heaven’s sake … HE WAS IN SALES BACK THEN! sales = can talk to anyone!

i’ve never been treated like that before from a boyfriend. i usually was stronger and i usually stood my ground. this time … i bowed my head down and took my whipping. i cried in the car as we drove back to his apartment. i used the word chastised because it’s a stronger word than the phrase “get mad at me.” i ALLOWED him to take that power over me.

i look back to see why and the only thing is that perhaps it’s because i put him up on a pedestal. he was a professional working man in the world. he was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much more knowledgeable about the world. he had his own apartment that HE was paying for. not the mommy and daddy thing that i saw around me. he was independent! he was perfect from the outside, so he should know better than me about that situation ….

he was ME! in my other relationships! only his “bark” was stronger than mine.

that was the beginning of our father-daughter type of relationship. i allowed it. stupid stupid stupid me.

i later got the impression that he was like that with his other girlfriends.



[FOLLOW: these thoughts]
i’m confused. love. vows. hate. persistence.
the divorce is still on
our father-daughter relationship: the beginning