the divorce is still on.
Sunday, April 8th, 2007i re-read my post from last night. i was very emotional.
[TO START: at the beginning of these thoughts]
i’m confused. love. vows. hate. persistence.
yes. i felt all of those feelings. yes. i questioned my decision to divorce S2BX. yes. i had the feelings of hate. the feelings of deep extreme love. the questions of “am i doing the right thing?”. the question of my taking a vow. [this one still really bothers me]
should i or am i worried?
no.
am i going to change my mind?
probably not.
why?
because.
because what i was doing is normal.
evaluating our decisions is normal.
it doesn’t mean that i want to get back together with him. but, let’s say i do … it doesn’t mean he does or would want to get back together. it doesn’t mean a happy ending will occur if i change my mind on divorce just because i see the possibility of a happy ending. i know this life better that’s why i see the possibility more clearly than the one of following this single life. AND THE OTHER WAY IS THE EASY WAY OUT of the loneliness. of crying. of the uncertainty of my future. of having to only rely on myself. of growing on my own and being an independent adult.
every relationship and situation is different. i know that i need to go through with the divorce. that is what i need. it might not be for someone else. i can’t grow and learn independence in that relationship.
i know that i need a relationship where i don’t have to fight the other person so much to be myself. the ENFP self that i am. obviously, i still have to have a balance between having my head in the clouds and having my feet on the ground, but i die in an environment where i am constantly under someone’s thumb or having to constantly fight to get out from under it. to constantly fight off someone who is trying to always control the situation or me! i need the visual and auditory exclamation of my partner’s love for me and the softness of someone aside from seeing the act of love for me. i need re-inforcement that i’m loved. he just isn’t that. i knew it from the start. but at 24, i didn’t know what i wanted. i knew what i wanted from him from an outsider’s perspective, but i didn’t know what i wanted from him from an insider’s perspective. from the perspective of the wife. i never thought about how i wanted my relationship with my husband to be. how i wanted him to treat me. did i want him to be conservative or liberal in the way he lived his life? because mine would have to fuse with that. where did i want to live on the likert scale of 1-10? i didn’t know. all i knew was that my mom told me “no more dating college boys. it’s time for you to date a professional.” so i did. i dated the first professional boy that i found and everyone loved him. from the outsider’s perspective, he was perfect. he still is.
from the insider’s perspective (mine) …. he was perfect. but only because i only looked at him from the outside perspective.
S2BX is a great person and he really does love and care and have only the best interest for me, but i remember these feelings [warning feelings] that didn’t sit with me all through out the relationship.
[FOLLOW: these thoughts]
i’m confused. love. vows. hate. persistence.
the divorce is still on
our father-daughter relationship: the beginning
